The Challenge

It has been an interesting week; by last evening I was feeling pretty......weary; body, mind and emotions!

Noah and Ben helped load a fridge, table and chairs, microwave and some odds and ends and I took them over to the house in Ogdensburg. Brad went over yesterday afternoon to watch Cam's game - Cam wan't able to play much because he had only been to two practices since school started. They suffered a disappointing loss when they shouldn't have (but between you and I, I prefer them losing when Cam isn't playing!). Today Brad is helping Cam get caught up with his homework; that will go a long way to decreasing his feelings of being overwhelmed. I imagine we'll go back over tomorrow afternoon with more stuff and I'll likely stay the night. This has been quite an adjustment for Cam; for all of us. It is relatively easy for him to have a desire, a passion to play football but the walking out of his dream will require hard work, perseverance and sacrifice on the part of all of us. The kids that are left get stuck with Cam's share of the chores!

I mentioned in my last post that I'd been challenged myself this summer. It wasn't pleasant, when I heard that my actions weren't lining up with my words. I had agreed with my mouth to do what I could to support Cam in making this move, however the closer it came to a reality the more I balked. Not with my words, but with my actions.

Have you ever had someone you love and respect hold up a mirror and confront you with something and it isn't what you want to hear or see? When it happened I of course denied it, I pointed out all I had done, I made all sorts of excuses, I cried (nothing worse than a crying, hormonal pregnant woman).....but it didn't change what I knew to be true in my head. When I was alone, when I got myself to think beyond the hurt I felt and the emotions that arose, I knew in myself that truth was being spoken.

The second time it was mentioned wasn't any easier to hear than the first. Even though I had known it was true, I refused to admit it out loud. Change does not come easily for many of us most of the time and I knew that if I went to others and explained "my side of the story" I would find sympathy and another opinion. I'd done that before. I also knew that the man that I love, trust and respect, the one who knows and loves me best other than God, was being honest. Brad knows me. He knows how I think, he knows my heart, he knows my desires, he knows I want to grow and change and he knew my reaction before he ever opened his mouth. He knew that it would be hard for me to hear, but he loved me enough to say it anyway and he challanged me to think; to be honest.

It took me about a day and a half of feeling sorry for myself and being completely miserable to everyone to do that; to think and to pray. I realized that I was afraid and that though I'd been saying all the right things, when I was honest with myself my greatest concern was what this was going to cost me and deep inside I really didn't want to make the necessary sacrifices. It was only when I realized that , when I could admit it out loud that I had the desire to change it.

Cam is his mother's son in many ways! We struggle with many of the same things and often when there is tension between us it is because I see myself in him and it frustrates me! His journey has not been easy and he has a tendancy is to think negatively about himself. However, we have watched some of that change for Cam since he got involved in football, and we've allowed him to swagger a bit as he's developed a new sense of who he is. Growing up he wishes desperately to be a "normal" size; now that he is benefiting from the size that God blessed him with he loves being "above normal".

A few days after my "epiphany" Brad and I were going to Cam's football game - the first he was able to play for OFA. I took that opportunity to share with him what I had been thinking and what I'd come to realize, and to thank him. I now see that as difficult as it is to be the receiver of a challenge, it is also difficult to be the deliverer and in the 21 years we've been married Brad has never abused that priviledge. I am thankful for the relationship we share that allows him to speak into my life; to challenge my thinking and, along with the Lord, to help me overcome and change. Then I in turn can be more of a help to Cam.