No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. 1st Corinthians 10:13

Sep. 7, 2009

Killing me Softly

I really admire those who do these blogs daily and seem to write them with complete honesty. I say seem to because of course I don't know what is going on in their thoughts and lives except for what I see and am told. I've had times when I've sat down to write something and couldn't be that honest; with myself or anybody else. There are times when what I'm dealing with doesn't only concern myself, but others and I have a hard time separating my stuff and the things I'm dealing with from the situation itself. Not sure if that makes sense to anybody, but there it is.

Yesterday we went to church as is our practice on Sundays. There is the hustle and bustle that goes on Sunday mornings with kids; both young and not so young. The little ones are early risers and usually awake around 6....sometimes earlier, sometimes a little later but it is safe to say that we don't need an alarm clock. The little ones wake us up and we wake the big kids up. The service we attend now starts at 9:30 instead of 9:00, so we've got that extra 30 minutes which worked out very well yesterday. Then there is feeding, cleaning, clothing, teeth brushing of the youngest three; everyone pitches in so mom can do the same for herself. Big kids get little kids in their car seats and then we all pile in to a couple vehicles for the 50 minute drive to church. Tess and Rhys usually have a wee nap, which makes it a fairly quiet drive in unless, of course, the sun is in Declan's eyes and I have to explain to him why I can't do anything about it.

We arrive usually right on time and file in to a row. Some days I arrive already overwhelmed and distracted: the busyness of the morning; with my own thoughts, my kids or a myriad of other things. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that God is so incredibly faithful and I am intensely human.

Yesterday morning I took Declan and Rhys to their program and signed them in. They love going to church and Rhys will ask almost daily if it's Sunday. For this I am thankful; it makes the busyness of the morning so worth it. I came back to the sanctuary and during the course of one song was left feeling unraveled. My kids will tell you that most Sundays I cry. I listen to the songs but rarely can sing them because I have no voice. The words get stuck somewhere between my chest and throat. I've struggled with understanding my emotions and their expression. There was a time when I thought that meant I had been touched but at this point I'm more interested in being changed and I know that doesn't come easily or without struggle. I think of that old Roberta Flack song "Killing me Softly"

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Tess got passed down to me and I held her close; another precious distraction. I took her out to the nursery, signed her in and taped her name on her back. I could hear someone saying my name and looked up to see Rhonda. She commented on Tess and how big she was getting. 19 months old this past baby. I waved bye and stepped away. I heard Rhonda ask how I was and I couldn't find words.

The tears came.

I was overwhelmed; unraveled.

I said earlier that I know that God is faithful. When I look back I can see his incredible faithfulness in my life and in the life of my family. He has saved me, loved me, protected me and changed me.....when I've allowed him to. I know his faithfulness and yet there are moments and days when I question it. Days and moments when I am overwhelmed by my circumstance and have to get to the end of myself and those feelings and replace them with his truth. Too often I give in to feeling; good and bad, and find myself in a place where I don't want to be. A place that is far from home, ya know? I have to remind myself that God continues to save me, daily; He loves me when I'm close to him and when I'm far away. He protects me even when I don't know it and yes, He is changing me, a little at a time.

Rhonda asked me what nugget I thought I was learning and I didn't really answer her; at least not very well. Of course there are issues of trust, but I think the further down this road I go, the more I realize my need for God. Not just in the big circumstances of life, but getting through each day; each moment. Without Him, I really am just dust.

Yesterday when I asked Declan what he had learned, he said "we learned about God". This is his typical response; you can almost hear the "duh" at the end of it. It is somewhat lacking in the detail I'm looking for so I questioned him further.

"What about God did you learn, Dec?".

My 5 year old's response: "I learned that I can trust God".

Me too, Dec; I'm learning that too.