Rhys Daniel, (beautiful, isn't he?) born on October 17, 2005 when I was 40 years old. He arrived 17 months after his much anticipated big brother, Declan Hewitt. Having babies at 39 and 41 has sure been a whole lot different than having 'em in my 20's.....About 3 months after Rhys' birth, I found myself struggling and wasn't sure what was happening. For a time I thought perhaps I was losing my mind and the battle some days was overwhelming.....I cried buckets. I didn't want to acknowledge the thought that I was depressed and I didn't know enough about post partum to realize that it was largely hormonal. I believed that as a Christian it wasn't right for me to feel this way so I continued on my own to try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I did that for a while until I was so down, so desperate that I found myself searching the internet for information realting to post partum depression and finally acknowledged what my body was screaming at me. It was a step, a beginning. I did share my struggle with Brad who was supportive and a willing listener (like he had a choice! ) It was during that very difficult time that I was surprised by the birth of a new friendship.
A lady I had known for a few years offered to bring dinner out once a week (in lieu of yet another teeny-weeny outfit). Give me a night when I know dinner is covered and the world looks a whole lot brighter. I looked forward to those days the meal was great 'cause it filled a need in my house but the female companionship filled a need in me. It was during one of those visits I opened my mouth and blurted out "I think I need to see my doctor" and proceeded to haltingly explain how and what I was feeling. All of my fears were laid to rest when my graceless announcement was met with understanding and support. It was good. The amazing part was that exchange that takes place when you step outside your comfort zone; I was greatly encouraged and so was she.....and out of the muck and mire of life a new friendship was born. I can recall the excitement I felt as I ran downstairs to tell Brad through my tears of all that had happened and how much God cared. He'd shown up in the midst of my mess, on a dark day .....and he brought a friend.
7 comments:
Mom, you just about brought me to tears...that visual at the end about God showing up in the midst of a mess...with a friend. Very cool. He is so attentive to our needs! Thanks.
Oh you brought tears to my eyes too!
I suffered from postpartum blues as well, but only for the first few weeks. The power of hormones - wow. But the power of God is even stronger!
Rhys is absolutely beautiful! A very handsome boy. You know, I don't think I knew you were even pregnant.
Thanks for sharing so personally, Debbie.
Meg: love you
Tracy: It was only when I acknowledged it after having Rhys that I could look back and see that I'd had it, to varying extents, with some of the others too. It seemed to be hugely effected by our life circumstances and what was going on at the time.....you know, the "stresses of life". I found that after experiencing it for myself it changed my attitudes about it all....you know, things weren't quite as black and white as they'd been before. Funny how that works, eh?
Yes, I know what you mean.
The first few weeks after the birth of both of my boys is almost like a blurr, looking back. I think a lot of mine was brought on by my weight (gained 60 lbs). When Ethan was born I didn't want people to hold him because I was afraid that he would bond more with them than with me. I wanted to do everything myself. When Titus was born, I didn't know how to even out my love between Ethan and Ty. I was so fearful that Ethan would feel jealous or feel less loved because of the new baby. I actually felt like I didn't want Ty. And now I can't envision my life without either of them :)
Aerie was the most supportive and amazing husband during that time - he was so understanding and didn't question any of my feelings. If someone was at the door and I didn't want anyone over, he would take care of it without making me feel bad. I remember thinking very irrationally and just being so weepy all the time - almost anything would set me off. I know it must have been difficult for Aerie too, but he was amazing.
Brad has such a kind and gentle character - I'm sure he was very supportive as well.
I find hormones so interesting and amazing. I would love to learn more about them.
Ok, that was long :)
I was thinking this morning... it seems like just a short while ago that we were sitting in Maryann Bernard's living room praying for you & Brad as you were entertaining the idea of trying to conceive again. And here you are TWO more babies later :)
Tracy,
Brad and the kids were great. My guys all help out around here; you can't run a house and a business and not have some help from them. Dishes,laundry, vacuuming....they pitch in (not without some reminding from mom....they are kids). Brad was, and is, a great listener; he knew that it wasn't time to comment or try to fix anything.
Time is funny, eh?? In ways that seems like years ago because so much has happened since then In other ways it seems like last year sometime.....
There are days when I have to take myself back and recall the desire, the desperateness I felt to have another baby; days when I remind myself that they are an answer to my prayer. I've thought about that at different times and have been reminded of the Israelites fleeing Egypt. God answered their prayer and freed them from years of slavery, yet they weren't a couple kilometres away when the griping began......and continued! Some days I'm not a whole lot different.
Oh I hear ya, Debbie :)
Post a Comment