Another Step.....

I found this in draft and thought that despite being written in April, the 22nd I believe, I'd post it.

Just got a call from Cam. He and Brad left this morning at 5:30 for his Visa interview in Montreal.

It's done! He's in! He doesn't just have a Visa (or Green Card), but once his feet touch U.S. soil he is deemed to be an American Citizen (so he'll have Dual citizenship like me) because he is the son of one. We can apply for his SSN and U.S. Passport anytime.

So, the big boy with the big dream of playing in the NFL is one step closer! Having the dream is just the first step, and a relatively easy one; walking it out is another. I do believe that even if Cam never steps foot on the football field as an NFL draft pick, he has succeeded because he is running his race.

Ya know this whole process, like much in life, has really been and continues to be a learning experience....not only for Cam, but for me as well. Some of my ideas about God and His will have been challenged; ideas about how He leads, guides and directs my life have been challenged and have changed. My husband, my kids, people I'm in relationship with, both past and present, have had a huge effect. How often do I sit on the sidelines waiting for the path to light up before I take a step?

I am continuing to learn about sacrifice and as a family we continue to work together to help achieve the goals of one another. Meg will soon be home after having spent her school year in the Czech Republic. Ben is close to completing his first year of university and is a step closer to his dream of becoming a doctor....and on it goes. God's will for our lives is rarely the easiest journey to take; but I do believe if we continue to, as my husband says, "put one foot in front of the other", it is where we will learn the most and where His plans for our life "work together" for our good.

Earth's Broken Things.

Christ is building His kingdom with earth's broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth's broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth's saddest failure up to heaven's glory.
--J. R. Miller

I'm going through a difficult time right now. I can't chalk it up to only one thing; it feels like everything is being shaken and though I know God has a purpose in this, my human mind struggles for understanding. I know I'm not alone. I've spoken with 5 or 6 others who are dealing with their own situations and I do take comfort in that.....that doesn't sound good. I don't take comfort in others problems, just in knowing that I'm not alone.

I grew up with this beautiful, vivacious, bubbly girl......lets call her Betty. Betty and I weren't "best friends" or anything, but we lived close to one another and our sisters were close. Betty was a grade higher than me and we had a different group of friends but we were in the school band together and CGIT. Growing up on a small island in Northern Ontario means if folks aren't family, they're friends (or end up family unless you marry a non-islander like I did). We keep in touch and when I'm "home" I like to pop in and say hi.

Betty has a beautiful big smile and a great sense of humour. What makes her truly remarkable to me is her positive attitude; though she was never blessed with a child of her own she has always been excited when we've brought another new one for her to meet. Never have I sensed her holding back in her sincerity at welcoming a new baby; never have I questioned whether or not I should bring my babe for her to see. To this day, despite the fact that I've moved several times and had more children, Betty still sends her warm regards that can be felt through the world-wide-web. I know that there were many prayers offered up both by and for her; I don't know personally of the pain she endured; of the questioning that had to go on as she walked through that dark time in her life AND YET she walked through it holding fast to the only One who had any hope of filling the child-shaped void. Betty was pregnant once and miscarred; today marks the 12th anniversary of her due date. I know this day will hold memories for her, but she stands as a witness to me of what God does with one of his broken things.

I'm a Christian - a "follower of Christ" and, like all of us, I've had to deal with life's difficulties. Despite the experiences I've had and the lessons I thought I'd learned, when these circumstances arise my first reaction is most often one of dismay. Once the shock wears off and the emotions clear, then I remember that God allows in his wisdom and love what he could easily prevent by his power and I'm left again with the question of who I trust; who is in control.

Here I am......again. This place is familiar; I've been here before though I really wish I could get it all done in one shot. It took some time but I did find myself a few times over the past week amidst the tears thanking God for where I'm at.

Broken again.

Praying for plastic monkeys

Yesterday Declan had his tail in a knot because he couldn't find his monkey (you remember the barrels of monkeys? well he's down to 3 monkeys and had misplaced one of them). Declan likes order and is very single minded.....the complete opposite of his mother and sometimes I find him hard to understand. He was convinced that he'd dropped one of the monkeys between the couch (it's a sectional). Even after we had moved the different pieces of the couch and he still couldn't locate the monkey, he was insistant that it was there. I could feel myself growing frustrated as he cried over this stupid monkey and nothing helped calm him. Finally I sat down on the edge of his bed and took his little hands in mine and started to pray. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that with him. I asked God to help us find the monkey. I told Declan that God cared about everything that concerned us; even his missing monkey. By the end of the prayer we were BOTH crying. We spent some time looking for the missing monkey, Declan calmed down and I was reminded that God does care about what concerns Declan.....as well as what concerns Declan's mother.

I headed to Ogdensburg late afternoon. Somehow the keys to one of our vehicles had gotten locked in the car (some electrical problem with the door locks) and Tess' interim health card being the only ID she has was locked inside. I figured they'd still let me cross and headed out. I had to explain my sad story, but the guy at the US border let me bring Tess in. He likely figured it was such a tale, I couldn't have made it up. This morning when I came back into Canada it was again on my mind.....sometimes these border guys have no common sense at all and despite the fact that I cross that border 3 or 4 times a week, today might be the day I get some new guy who is making sure he asks for ID (rarely do they even ask for it at the Canadian border) and whether or not I have any firearms, alcohol or tobacco. Instead, I had a super friendly guy who let me in with no problem......and tears came to my eyes as I was reminded again that God knows about even these little things that concern me. I asked Him to forgive me for forgetting, for doubting......again.

It has been a difficult week and I found myself one day thanking God for the discomfort. I can't go into details of all that is going on but circumstances have arisen and there is a need for change; a change I know that God has been preparing me for. I'm not completely sure of all that is going on, but it is time to course correct. Walls have gone up that really need to come down and though I know it won't be easy, it is time. Hope - REAL hope is found in brokeness; when we get to the end of ourselves and realize that we can't.....but God can.

Today I had the opportumity to share my "Declan story" to a friend. He said something and though I won't be able to repeat it word for word, it made sense to me. Often it is not the things we accomplish that are important, but the things we overlook in our busyness that are most important. Those few minutes I spent praying for the monkey meant something to both Declan and I.

.......By the way, we found the monkey and CAA unlocked the car door, too.

.....here we grow again

For anyone following my rather spotty attempt at blogging, you may recall that Brad and I were expecting our eighth child. Tess Elizabeth arrived on her due date of February 4, after only 2 hours of labour and lets say 18 minutes of pushing. She weighed in at 9lbs 2oz. A little girl who will act as the "period" in our family (or perhaps I should say exclamation point).

I love my boys; all 5 of my boys. Any woman who has had a son knows that there exists a special bond between mothers and their sons, as does, I believe, between fathers and their daughters. I think we all were quite happy that this last one was a girl. It somehow seemed.....appropriate that we once again experience the "kinder, gentler" of the two sexes. Tess will be - or should I say is indeed - the princess; youngest of 8 with 5 older brothers to keep guard. I can only imagine what sort of reception awaits the poor sap fortunate enough to fall for our youngest. After he gets through dad there will be 5 other males standing in line, waiting for their shot. I just shake my head.

So the honeymoon period, the "after glow" is pretty much over. The hormones have kicked in and its nothing to see me sitting on the couch while nursing Tess, driving to Ogdensburg, thinking about something or nothing at all, blubbering away like a fool. My thoughts are rather chaotic; though if you know anything about our home there are valid reasons for that! I was reminded this morning that it is so easy to forget all that one does until one tries to insert something new and are soon reminded. Brad and Dan have been taking more of my office responsibilities away, which is good.....but then I have to work through my own issues in terms of that. Easy to say that what we do isn't as important as who we are; fact is, things still need to get done and we're (okay, I'll admit it) hugely rooted in what we do and even more than that, who we please while we're doing it. Again I find myself in a place where I must force myself to be honest; not only with myself but with those around me. Sad, isnt it; that at the age of almost 43 I often find that I need an excuse?

The baby is crying......must go. Who knows when I'll drop this way again. I often thing of some great stuff to write, but making my way to the computer to actually do it comes after a fairly lengthy list of other "must dos".

Thanks to Brad, Dan and the family for picking up all that I've put down. Thanks to Julie for your prayers! Thanks to Don and Jess for the laughs! Thanks to Bonnie for reminding me I'm normal....well, as normal as I can be and thanks to Auntie Pat for caring enough to call back. Love, and appreciate, you all.

Christmas, Family and Life

I'm tired today.

36 weeks along; a few more to go. I know these sleepless nights are sort of preparation for what is to come once this baby arrives, but I find myself wondering what I would do for even one night of uninterrupted sleep! This was the first morning in a long while that Rhys wasn't in our bed before 6 a.m.; for quite some time it was 5:11. I've never been one to sleep in, but 5:11 is just a little too early for me. I went to Ogdensburg on Sunday afternoon and was in bed with the light off by 8:30. Of course I had to wake up for the trip to the bathroom around midnight, but that is to be expected at this point.

Meagan flies out tomorrow. It has been nice having her home and the time has indeed flown by. Brad and Carleigh picked her up at the airport in Montreal on the 22nd and she's been busy every since! The rest of us were waiting for her in Ogdensburg so that Cam could be in on the welcome.

You'd think that nine people in a 2-bedroom house would be over the top, but we all spent 2 nights there before we left for Virginia Beach on Boxing Day. We took two cars down and piggy backed one another. With 4 drivers it worked out well. Of course there were moments of tension; that happens when you have that many people (especially of the related variety) spending significant time in reasonably close quarters! We had two rooms: a boys room and a girls room. We wanted to give the girls some privacy (and mom a bit of a break) so we took turns with the two youngest. Rhys slept better while we were away and we didn't have many of those 5:11 a.m. mornings.

There were a couple times over the holidays when I had left Kemptville headed for Ogdensburg feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. I hadn't put a lot of expectations on myself in terms of decorating on either side of the border. The kids do most of the shopping; we downloaded that to them a few years ago and it works great! Brad and I take care of stocking stuffers. I hadn't done any baking; my mom had brought some over and my thought was that we girls could do some of that together Christmas Eve and besides, we weren't going to be home for the week between Christmas and New Year's. So there wasn't a lot of stress associated with those typical things.....however there was the fact that I was 34 weeks pregnant, dilating and 50% effaced to lend an extra bit of excitment to being out of the Country. A few days prior we had discovered that the air mattresses we were using in Ogdensburg were not holding air and we had a houseful of people and nothing to sleep on. Brad and I had taken a trip to Sleep Country where they were advertising a great sale - $189/piece! Our thought was that we could upgrade ourselves to a King and take our well-used bed (we got it when I was expecting Cam who is now 15.5) over along with a futon we had here. Well, the good folks at Sleep Country wanted to sell us a $1,500 bed which may have been a great deal, but wasn't what we went in to buy. There were also some tensions within the family that had me fretting about what the coming week would or could bring and when I finally left here Christmas Eve day after spending a few hours cleaning up stuff in the office, I discovered that some of the boxes of food that had been delivered a week or so prior were starting to thaw. They had been put in the "cold wing"; the unheated section of the old nursing home we call home upon delivery. We had no idea there was so much coming at once and I wasn't prepared. I went into Dan's office to hug him goodbye and wish him a Merry Christmas and it was all I could do to choke out the words; I felt heavy....burdened. My chest felt tight with that feeling you get when you try to hold back tears. When I walked out the door my mind was a buzz and I would have liked to just lay down somewhere and sleep for a very long time.

But it was Christmas Eve. We still had a tree to pick up and decorate in Ogdensburg. I had some last minute things to fetch and Brad was out buying that mattress. Though the plan had been to get a real tree, those were all sold out so we bought a lit artificial tree (though that took two trips because the first one didn't work).

The girls had made popcorn garland and after we decorated our tree, it looked beautiful. Rhys' response on Christmas morning was "wow"! We baked a couple things and Brad and Carleigh picked up groceries for our traditional Christmas Eve feast. It was a nice, quiet evening and once we were all together, under the same roof and in the same country, it really was all that I had imagined it would be. I had said to a couple people that Christmas was taking a back burner to other things: Meg`s coming home, all of us together for the first time in over 3 months and of course the imminent arrival of #8.....I got thinking about that afterwards and realized that THAT is Christmas.

Brad and I slept in the living room, the girls had Cam's bedroom and all 5 boys slept in the second bedroom! They did great. I think Brad and I were the first ones awake with Meg following closely behind....she had only been home a few days and had 6 hours to adjust to! We enjoyed our morning. Meg helped me with Christmas dinner in our very small kitchen and despite the over crowding, everything went really well. We were up and out of the house by 7:30 on Boxing Day and enjoyed a big b'fast at the Cracker Barrel in Watertown (about 45 minutes from Ogdensburg) before heading south. Our destination was Virginia Beach and we got through Washington and stayed just inside Virginia on our first night, which made for a short day the next day. The weather was nicer than what had been forecasted and we even had a day or two of 70 degree temps, though it was overcast on the one day.

We did have a little scare on the day we went to the Aquarium....there were wheelchairs available so Ben got one for me and the big boys took turns pushing me around (having Cam push me was like being on some sort of midway ride). When it came time to go, Ben suggested that he and Meg take the wheelchair back and bring the cars over to the building we were at. Ben, Meg and Cam left, I headed for the ladies room and when I returned I noticed that Declan wasn't with the rest of them. I asked where he was; Noah and Carleigh thought he was with me. The hunt began. I had told a few people that waiting 6 days for an ultrasound confirming that this baby was alright were the longest 6 days of my life; well, this was the longest 15 minutes of my life. The mind is a funny thing and it was amazing how quickly the thoughts came. Brad and Noah took off to search the boardwalk that we`d walked over on and Carleigh checked all of the entrances. I sat there with Rhys on my knee, hiding my face in his neck feeling once again utterly helpless. I offered up some pretty desperate pleas while trying to remind myself of what my husband had said; that he could have followed his older siblings out. It was scary.

He had, in fact, followed Ben, Meg and Cam. Carleigh came running in the front entrance telling me that Dec was with them and it was only then that she started to cry. Cam came sauntering in with a grin and then I broke again.....amazing what happens when relief meets up with that pent up emotion. Meg had asked Declan if mom and dad knew where he was he of course he had responded with a resounding yes. I tried to explain to him that we thought he was lost, but he simply replied "but I'm not lost now". He didn't have a foggy clue about the scare he'd given us, which is probably a good thing. I'm sure it won't be the last scare that boy gives us.

We did make it back home with both vehicles in tact and all 7 children. There was no sign of early labour while we were away and I didn't spend the whole time wondering if we were going to drop a child in the good 'ole US of A. There were moments that were great and moments that weren't though some of those could be attributed to a rather emotional, exhausting time for all of us; particularly the pregnant one.

We left Brad and Cam in O'burg and before Meg headed out the next day she took a trip down the hall to that second freezer only to discover that it wasn't working. It was New Year's Eve. Getting somebody to answer a phone in Kemptville didn't happen and I didn't know what to do. A neighbour stopped in with Season's Greetings and offered to take a look. Andy and Cheryl live in the trailer park beside us. They don't have a lot, but we have been on the receiving end of their very generous hearts on more than one occasion. Andy, Dan and Ben buried food in the snow out back between layers of snow until we could get a replacement freezer here or ours fixed. What else could you do on a holiday? My dad had arrived on New Year's Eve and found several used oneson the internet. Christmas isn't the best time to have to replace beds and freezers. Noah's girlfriend's dad delivered it out here to us and we got the food back in just in time for the real thaw to begin. They say that when it rains it pours. Fortunately it wasn't until we got the freezer problem fixed that the roof began leaking in several spots. At one point we were mopping up one corner of the kitchen every 10 minutes or so. My dad picked up a little pump and we spent four hours pumping water off the roof yesterday and it was going again this morning. I prefer the warm weather, but right now I am hoping for a deep freeze. It is a busy time for Brad who is back in the swing of things with trials almost everyday this week. The kids are back to school and Carleigh's dance and voice lessons have restarted. There will be a new addition here soon and I am behind on office work. I would like to spend some time "nesting" but there are office chores that need to be tended to and after the holidays, I'm having a hard time motivating myself.

The little boys seem to be at odds with one another today and are perpetually hungry. Declan needs to be reminded to sit on the potty....the older ones aren't without their own struggles and as a parent I feel those, too. It's life; it isn't always fun or easy or wonderful and it would be silly for me to think it should be. I don`t know what 2008 will bring, and though I`m sure it won`t be without its share of situations, I also know it will be full of life`s little victories. In the midst of daily life and living, I sometimes need to be reminded of how richly blessed I am and what is truly important to me. Focussing on the roof, the unpainted rooms, the unfinished bathroom, the almost 4 year old who can`t get through the day without an accident, the older ones who seem to need to be constantly reminded to do their chores - these are things that can, and do, get to me. I am fully human. There are those times though in the midst of the mess when I'm the one that is in need and there are many arms around here that are willing to offer a hug......many shoulders to lean on when I allow myself to lean.

Think I`ll take advantage of that more in 2008.

Happy New Year.

The Difference a Year Makes.....

I was thinking this morning about time; one hour is 60 minutes all the time, yet some hours seem to fly by while others take their time. When I was younger I often heard my elders speak of how quickly time passed; I didn't get it.....now I understand.

We had some pictures taken last year around this time; my thought at the time was that I'd use them as Christmas presents for my family....send some out in the mail. I never did it. On Sunday I picked up some photo cards thinking I'd use the pictures from last year and this year do what I had planned on doing last year. Then I looked at the picture.

Meagan, 19 at the time is holding Rhys, who is just over a year. This was the first full year Meg did not live at home; she went to school in Peterborough and worked at Elmhirst`s Resort over the summer. In September we put her on a plane bound for the Czech Republic where she is doing her 3rd year of University. When she returns in May she`ll be 21, back to work, looking forward to her final year of undergrad. Meg is ours.....always missed, always welcome, but a visitor here.

For most of her 12 years Carleigh was Meg's little sister; the two girls share a close relationship despite the age difference. Carleigh just celebrated her 13th birthday and is now a teenager. She is moving into the position her sister held for a long time and now Carleigh has stepped into those shoes for her younger siblings. She is in her 3rd year of dance, her 2nd of hip hop and has also taken on voice lessons. She is no longer the new kid in her french immersion class; in fact her average in almost every class is above the class. Quite an accomplishment. She is enjoying her final year of elementary school before she`ll take on grade 9 next September.

When this picture was taken, Benjamin (holding Declan) was 17 and in his last year of high school, the "big fish in a small pond" enjoying all of the benefits that come with that. He graduated an Ontario Scholar with top marks in Biology and English. He was single though looking; ALWAYS looking! This year has brought changes for Ben who is working hard in his first year of a pre-med program at Ottawa U; the "small fish in a big pond". For years Ben was involved in Air Cadets and wore his hair short. Now his hair is longer and curly; on his 18th birthday he got his first tattoo and shortly thereafter had his ears pierced. He is no longer single but involved in a relationship with a girl he met through cadets and has known for several years. Ben sleeps at home and commutes daily to the southern limit of the bus system. He is transitioning out which I have to remind myself of every once in a while......

The difference a year makes.

Noah aka the "Smiling One" finally (after 10 months) got his learner's permit. He still is his easy-going self, comfortable in his own skin. This year he is the one enjoying his senior year at the local public high school. Noah cut his hair this year and for a short period of time sported a bald head. He is working part time at the Subway in town and has the same girl friend. Life for Noah is largely the same; kind of like the "calm before the storm" because next year he too will head off to University because the program he wants is not offered locally.

Cam has had many changes. This picture was taken just shortly after his football season was completed; anybody who has read my posts before knows that he had to lose some fairly significant weight and in this picture he is about 6'3" and probably weighs in between 185 and 190. A year later Cam is 6' 5" and weighs 280 - out came the weights last winter and gone were the weight limits! At 15 Cam is living pretty independently in Ogdensburg, NY where he played his first season of US Varsity football. He is enjoying life as a football player; he is greeted in the halls by kids he doesnt know but who know him simply because of what he does. Football is a HUGE deal in the States and the plan is to get one of those lovely american scholarships. He had a 90% average on his first report card and that combined with his size and ability gives him a great opportunity. At $50,000 - 60,000/year I don't know how anybody affords to get an education otherwise.

Then there are our little men.....Declan and Rhys, who are now 3.5 and 2 respectively. Dec and Rhys are buddies - they spend their days together and play well. Rhys is now a "terrible two", testing the boundaries all the time. Declan is a pretty typical older brother, more sedate and serious than his younger counterpart. Neither of them are trained, much to their mother's dismay and this year we learned that Rhys would come to enjoy being a "big brother"; though this one came as more of a surprise than the others, baby #8 is due February 4. Every good book must have an end and THIS will be it! I had come to that decision just weeks before learning that we were expecting again and though a surprise, this one is definately wanted. Children are indeed a gift and a blessing.

Ah, the difference a year makes.

This Christmas will be different for us. It is the first year in 8 that Brad and the boys will not be involved in the Men`s Choir at church on Christmas Eve. With the exception of the year when we moved from Yellowknife to Ottawa and spent Christmas at my mom and dad`s, this is the first time we will not spend Christmas in our home....well, that`s not quite true. We will spend it in a home that we own, but it will be in Ogdensburg, NY; our first Christmas morning spent in the US. I`d have never thought I`d ever see the day! These are pretty minor changes compared to those others will face but all too often it isn`t the big things that are difficult, but the little things that add up to cause a problem. At this point in our lives, I`m happy to think that we`ll all be together.....we have no guaranty of anything else.

These are just some of the changes our kids have experienced but of course each of their changes effects us as their parents and us as a family. If I chose to spend my time longing for what was, what enjoyment would I get from today or tomorrow? It is in the learning to adapt, to accept challenges and move forward that we can appreciate the past for what it has given us.....great memories, some difficult circumstances and hard lessons perhaps. I want to continue learn to live like that; to appreciate my past (the good, the bad AND the ugly!) and move forward to what lies ahead; to press on and remember to enjoy each day and the making of new memories and experiencing new challenges. THAT is life and THAT is living it.

Terrible 2's and Finding Forgiveness

I just caught my youngest hanging from the edge of the crib. Rhys turned two on October 17 and his ventures into ensuring that boundaries still do exist know no bounds. His father has said that he is more of a handful than the other 4 boys put together. When I gave him a swat on his diapered backside, he actually looked…..offended. Hurt and offended. What a boy! I tell him it's a good thing he's cute.....

Heavy sigh.

I have had several times over the past month when I thought that I needed to sit down at the computer to write something; however, I know how this works and what starts out as something simple becomes much larger as I write. A week ago this past Saturday was one such time.

Brad and I had loaded up our two youngest late Friday afternoon to head over to Ogdensburg where we would spend the night and then watch Campbell’s playoff game the following day in Peru, New York. Peru is about a 2.5 hour drive from Ogdensburg. We had been awakened in the night by Rhys and though he didn’t take too long to settle, my sleep had been interrupted enough and I was awake for a while. The weather the following morning was rainy as promised and though the temperature didn’t dip below 13 degree Celcius, it’s tough to feel warm when you’re wet. By half time the boys were soaked from the middle down with the exception of their rubber-booted feet and I was wet through my waterproof jacket. Back at the truck I stripped them down and changed them both. We stayed put until the game was over around 4:30 and then we headed back to Ogdensburg. Stopping for dinner was not an option; the team bus that Cam was travelling on would not stop and we didn’t want to leave him stranded at the school in the rain. The boys were good travellers and though they napped and I had brought snacks for the drive, they were both tired and hungry when we arrived back in Ogdensburg. I figured I’d feed them while Brad waited Cam out and then get them back to their own beds for the night.

It was a good plan I thought. I gave them their choice of two meals (which was perhaps a mistake but not my biggest one of the evening) and then got it ready. When they came to the table they both turned up their noses before even tasting anything, which didn’t leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. After a threat or two made with a raised voice, I tried shoving the food into Rhys’ mouth……which didn’t go over well. I was still damp from the game, hadn’t eaten yet myself and could feel my own temperature rising. Have you ever been in that position? You know the trains a comin (much like a deer caught in the headlights) yet despite the warning lights going off, you really don’t care enough to make the necessary adjustments and get out of the flippin’ way! Well that was me on this night. I could see what was happening but instead of heading the warning signals I gave into the emotion of the moment. I hauled them both out of their seats, gave them each a good spank and sent them into separate bedrooms….I couldn’t even tell you what I said, but it was loud and I’m sure their fear of me at that moment was much more the reason for their sobs then any spanking I’d delivered.

I turned around and quite literally felt my way to the chair; I sat myself down and gave way to the floodgate of tears.

It wasn’t the first time I’d lost control; there have been other times. One was during a parent-teacher interview in Yellowknife; a very embarrassing moment for me but more particularly for my dear husband. We had an issue with this teacher – our boy`s marks had surprised us especially considering this was a very small Christian school and I would have expected to hear prior to report card time that work hadn`t been completed. I’d told my man before we left home that I didn’t want him to lose it with her…..only it wasn’t him I needed to worry about. Further information was provided during the course of the interview – our angel had indeed completed his work however the teacher had lost it. Well, I lost it and left the room after railing at her (again, no memory of what it was I said) in tears. Another time we were in a meeting; things were said that hurt me and I launched up from where I sat, walked across the room to where my friend was and gave him a smack. Again, a very embarrassing moment; one for which I had to apologize and one I felt terrible about for a long time…..and people think I`m so calm, so cool.

But here I was with just my two boys and no witnesses….and I knew I`d crossed that line and lost control. I looked up to see that Rhys had come out of the bedroom where he’d been sent, he was watching me rather tentatively to make sure it was okay for him to be there and when I gestured to him to come, he came. He climbed up on my knee and he gave me a full on body hug, which just made me cry all the harder. I croaked for Declan to come and there we sat, just the three of us. I apologized to my boys and Rhys took my face in his little hands and gave me “tisses” on the mouth and as quickly as that train had come, it was gone. I was forgiven and as far as my boys were concerned, all was forgotten. I made them a grill cheese which they ate with relish and we watched a veggie tales movie.

It was after that I got to thinking about how quickly a child forgives and how with age we learn to hold on to the things that hurt us even when they`re things that we`ve done to hurt ourselves. Jesus told us that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children and unless we become like them, we won’t enter. I have learned much not just from being a mother, but from my kids; forgiveness is one area in which I need to continue to take lessons from, to learn from my `terrible-two-year-old`.