debbie's space -

2012-01-24T21:42:00.004-05:00

I was texting with Cam this morning; he's heading off on a Men's Retreat this weekend and asked me to help get him registered. I was pleased to see that the retreat was being held at Cedar Campus; Brad introduced me to this place many years when we had the priviledge of attending as camp counsellors together.

In the course of our conversation, I asked Cam how he was doing; asked him a couple times and after a lengthy pause he answered. He's been fighting (in a spiritual sense) and he's tired...... There have been times when one or the other of my children have come to me, laden with one weight or another.....sometimes I've been in a place myself where I just felt overwhelmed by my own stuff and panic. Other times I've tried to just deal with it on my own strength. What was so cool today was that I found myself in a place where I was able to encourage Cam to "faint not". (Okay, I didn't say "faint not!" .....that just came to me and I thought it sounded cool. Call it creative license.)I know what it's like to feel weary and overwhelmed and like I'm in a fog.....I think when we're honest we all have those times but that's one of the really cool things about being part of something larger than ourselves.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Cor 1:4 (NLT)

So we talked. There was no stumbling or bumbling about for words.....those just came and not just words, but truth. When we were done, I didn't feel anxious or panicked or burdened about what my boy was experiencing.....I felt at peace. Rather than keep it to myself, which is my tendency, I called a friend and we stood in agreement and prayed for my boy. It was AWESOME; not a word I use lightly. So simple, yet so wonderful. I'm excited to see what God has in store for Cam this weekend!

This was happening over the course of the morning; I`d been working with Rhys and then was making Swiss Steak for supper. Ever had it? It's a great way to use a cheaper cut of steak. I floured the counter and was using the edge of a plate to pound the meat when Alex happened by.....

"You know it's dead" she said, and we both chucked. She's just too funny......

I love a good analogy and as I was pounding away, I was mindful of my conversation with Cam. I explained the process to Alex; once I'd pounded the meat to my satisfaction, I would fry it so it was nicely browned, season it, toss in a couple sliced onions and a can of tomatoes and then cook it long and low for the afternoon. The result? Meat so tender it falls apart when you touch it.

For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1 2 - 4

Stinkin' Thinkin'

2012-01-21T17:10:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting with Rhys a few mornings ago and he's writing out his alphabet. Sounds simple, eh? He knows his alphabet and knows the sounds each letter makes but he struggles with recognizing some of the letters and writing the alphabet out takes him a while. So while he's doing it, I'm sitting there beside him, trying to spur him on but I`m noticing that everything coming out of the boy's mouth is negative. Everything. He wasn't just whining about having to do it, he is saying stuff that was just....wrong!

Though it wasn`t the first time he's complained about having to do school work (an academic he isn`t) and it wasn't the first time he's spoken negatively about himself (we call him Eyore) the effect it had on me was a first and I felt.....helpless. I didn`t know what to do. I knew I couldn`t do what I usually did and so I started to write:

"God, I see myself in Rhys. The frustration and negativity. The self-deprecation to the point where he doesn`t even want to try. He`s lying to himself....but when he's encouraged, he beams!......He needs me; he needs me to encourage him.... He needs me to build him up......Thank you, Father; thank you for eyes to see. Help me to speak life."

Sometimes as a mom, God gives me one of those "teaching moments"; I love that. More often as a mom, God has given me "student moments". Opportunities when He is showing me, reminding me of things that I am talking to one of the kids about. In the past few weeks, I have watched as my children have shown courage, discipline, love, loyalty, forgiveness....to people in their sphere of influence, of which I am one, and I have been challenged to my core.

While I'm writing, I'm crying. I turn to my boy and say "Rhys, you're lying to yourself honey....don't believe those lies. You are not stupid. You are not an idiot. You are a smart boy and you do like to learn. I see you smile when you read; I see you smile, Rhys. Sometimes it's hard, yes, but it is worth it honey. It's hard now, yes, but you can do it, Rhys, and it will have been worth it!"

I don't know if I've communicated this well at all, but it was like someone flicked a switch; not only in my head (or more correctly in my thinking) but in my son and the little boy who was spouting such.....crap.....barrelled through his Word Building and then was on to his math, alternating between telling me how easy it was, and how much he loved me.

"Can we do more, mom?"

Yes Rhys; we can do more. There is always more.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts

on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and

admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Phil 4:8 NLT

Everyday, Ordinary.....Life

2012-01-13T15:28:00.004-05:00

This morning I was working with Rhys. He’s such a sweet boy and I love him todistraction however he does have a couple annoying little quirks. Though I'm quite surethat as he matures, these things will work for him rather than against him, right now they are mostly a huge pain inmy patootie. (I didn’t think that was awork, but whad’ya know, I found it here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=patootie)

Rhys. Sensitive,caring, loving….and one of the best little kissers in this world! This is the boy that tells Jesus he loves him "more than gold". He is also the boy who lives to beentertained; by the tv, the computer, xbox, smart phone, kindle. You name the electronic device, he’splayed on it or watched someone play on it. From the moment his eyes open at approximately 6 a.m. until the moment his sweet headtouches his pillow, he’s pestering somebody to let him play, watch, playwhile watching or watch while playing…..you get the idea. It’snot just that he enjoys doing these things, but he is persistent beyond beliefwhen he asks to do these things. Drivesme crazy BUT I’m SURE that as he matures, his perseverance will pay off. Though I wouldn’t wish a salesposition on anybody, people would say yes to Rhys just to get rid of him. He actually talked his sister into paying himthe other day, just so he’d be quiet. Whatan entrepreneur.

The other little thing that irks me is his ability to notremember anything. At least, that’s whathe’d love for me to believe. This particularly irksome habit arosethis morning while we were working on math. He’s learned what we call the “buddies” of 10….1 and 9, 2 and 8, 3 and 7….and so on. I was showing him how he can use his buddies when he’s subtracting and one number is greater than 10, but less than 20. I’m not sure why I’m going into such detailhere but bear with me. So for 2 pages Igo over 3 steps with him, and he gets the answers right virtually every time,but when I ask him to do one by himself, he can't. When I tell remind him to use the three steps, his response is “I forget”.

I’m 46 years old and pre-menopausal; I work from homewith my husband, a defence lawyer, and our beautiful daughter. We were blessed to have 8 children, the oldest, Meagan, is almost 25and the youngest, Tess, is almost 4 (but thinks she’s almost 25) and I home school the 6and 7 year old boys. It's a busy house and by the end of the day, this mama's tired. Aside from that, I dorecognize that my patience is not what it once was and can run thin at times. This morning was one of those times and as Iwalked away from my sweet boy, I suggested to him, strongly, that he could sit there all day until he finished themath. Well, that doesn’t really workwith Rhys…..'cause he has no problem just sitting there and that's exactly what he did.

Flummoxed, I sat down and looked at him. “What do you mean, you forget. We’ve gone over and over this, Rhys; it’sthree steps. How can you not rememberthree steps? You have to think, ya know;you don’t just sit there and hope the answer drops into your lap…..you have tothink about what you’re doing”.

And then it hit me. That’s me…..I do that. I repeat, often without thought, the same stupidthings over and over and over again. Bad choices resulting in bad behaviour and often consequences that I hadn't thought of. Inthat moment I could only imagine what must be God’s frustration. He’s obviouslynot pleased with me. I thought about how it must hurt him deeply.....and yet it doesn't keep him away. Rather than feel God's frustration or his condemnation, as his daughter I only know his patience, forgiveness and grace. I struggle away from him for a time, but when I turn and look for his help, He’s there.

And so was Rhys. Right there, just asking for a little more help and the least; the veryleast I could do for this sweet boy that I love beyond distraction, is to giveit.

Romans 12: 1, 2 The Message

1 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you; Take your everyday, ordinary life-your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life- and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. 2 Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking, Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed form the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Stuck

2012-01-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

I’ve been stuck. Call it a rut, call it negative thinking, fear.....call it sin. In as much as my desire is to live in relationship with God and others honestly, I find I have worked myself into a corner where I am anything but honest. Here I hold people at arm’s length. In this place, my life revolves around me, rather than others. In this place I make bad choices and live with a victim mentality and I take steps backward rather than press on. I can relate at a certain level, but not at the level that I want to. Not at the level that want to. Not at the level that I know God wants me to.

I’ve been challenged, encouraged and convicted recently. I have had several people who have made themselves vulnerable to me and opened up and shared their ugly. I count that a privilege....truly. It isn’t easy to let someone into the midst of your mess and I deeply admire those who can be transparent with someone. Not only do I want to be willing to hearing those who come to me, I want to open myself and be honest with those I'm in relationship with, too.

Recently Cam shared with us from his own experience. That took a lot of courage and as I listened to him I had to tell the mother side of my head to be quiet and just listen. What he said challenged me, and I have told him so. He was shown something and rather than deny it, he acknowledged it for what it was. His experience has drawn him closer to God and he has made himself accountable to those who he knows will be both supportive and unafraid to challenge him.

After Rhys was born, I was dealing with what I thought was postpartum depression and it may well have been, however there was a lot going on in our lives at the time.....but when I found myself with my back against the wall, I made a decision and chose to use the opportunity to be honest, not just with myself, but with those I was in relationship with.

Every once in a while I get an email from Dr. Larry Crabb; a well known psychologist. I received one of those emails this morning; this paragraph grabbed me:

"For many Christians, denial has become a habit. Chronic denial as a means of coping leads to a stiffness and rigidity that may for a time masquerade as emotional stability. People who are neither excitable nor moody can look very spiritual. The evidence of their immaturity is unmistakable, however; people who deny how they really feel typically are unable to enter and touch another person's life deeply. Because they have sealed off deep parts within themselves, they can neither discern nor properly deal with deep parts in others."

That's not the person I want to be.

I was encouraged this Christmas, as I have been for a few years now, to make time to write. Despite that encouragement, over the past few years I’ve actually written less and it got me to wondering why. When I started back in 2007 trying to be intentional about it, I did it for me. I found it cathartic; if someone else benefited in some way, great, but that wasn’t my focus. It wasn’t always easy trying to communicate my thoughts, but I always felt better after I had done it. I liken the experience to the Psalms.....particularly those written by David. In many of them he starts out complaining, and “woe is me” but by the end , his focus has changed from himself to his God. As time went on, I think there was a shift and I spent more time focused on what others thought of what I wrote. I was looking for the pat on the head and rather than open myself up to what I perceived to be rejection, I just stopped writing.....after all, I’m busy. Busy, busy, busy. I would love to get to a place where people’s opinions matter not, but I’ve a ways to go.

In our house, we often acknowledge our human state to be like “twisted pieces of human wreckage” BUT no matter how twisted I am, God loves me and on the days when I don’t understand why, I will choose by faith to accept that he does.

My Goal

2012-01-11T14:47:00.003-05:00

I homeschool Declan (7) and Rhys (6). Please don't confuse what I do with what many home schooling mom's do; I simply order material from ACE in the States and supervise....most days. I struggle to be consistent and some days wonder if I'm doing them any favours at all.....then I remember doing the same thing with my eldest 3 and they did just great.

Anyway, the beginning of each new PACE starts with "My Goal". It's good to have a goal but despite knowing that, I've not been great at making goals. Meaningful ones. I am a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" kind of gal and that serves me well much of the time and explains why I'm still sane but in the past few weeks I've been thinking I need to change that. If you feel a sudden draft, it's because my husband and children are collectively breathing a sigh of relief.

So, I'm working on breaking some old habits (ugh) and replacing them with new ones, trying not to do too much at once so that I have half a hope of actually seeing some real change. Earlier this week I read Isaiah 58....and read it again. It's a great chapter with lots in it, and there were a few things that stuck out and then I read it again using The Message and something leapt off the page:

8 Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once. Your righteousness will pave your way. The God of glory will secure your passage. 9 Then when you pray, God will answer. You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.' A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places.
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places. I love that.
So how do I achieve this lofty goal?
"If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people's sins, 10 If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. 11 I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. 12 You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.

Storms

2011-07-18T07:50:00.007-05:00

It came in quickly last evening......it wasn't the first time we had a front row seat as the sky darkened and the winds picked up and blew the front door open! I love a good storm; always have. As a kid, I loved listening to the rain on our steel roof; loved sleeping in the tent trailer and listening to the rain hit the canvass and I LOVE the natural light show. Last evening I watched as the wind create "white caps" on the usually quiet river. Boats that had been caught playing headed for home.

Declan, Rhys and Tess were on the one hand curious and on the other hand nervous. Between Dec's comments of "wow, look at that", I could hear Rhys' more quiet "mom, I'm scared". With the way the trees were being whipped about, I didn't want them standing in front of the picture window, so I herded them into the bedroom where Brad was channel surfing.....I think we do more channel surfing than watching t.v....but again, I digress. Carleigh had been away in Toronto for the weekend with Saxon and I had to go and get her at the Fallowfield Station. It hadn't started raining hard...yet, but the wind had blown the recycling down the stairs and so I made my way gingerly, avoiding the broken pickle jar. The wind was still whipping, and there were branches strewn about the yard.

As I drove, the evidence of the storm lay everywhere; branches of varying sizes lay broken where they fell, garbage put out that evening was blowing around freely. Once I turned on Rideau Valley, two fire trucks coming from Manotick drove past in a big hurry......I silently prayed. Not a great time for a fire; never a great time for a fire.

In Manotick I could see pieces of white stuff on the road and thought at first it was hail. Soon enough I realized it was styrofoam that had been blown and beaten into submission and had come to settle beneath the back end of a truck. The streets were quiet, except for cars that were hastening home. I made it without incident to Fallowfield....hummed a few bars of "I See the train a comin'" by Johnny Cash, retrieved my daughter and went home. It didn't take long to clean up the errant recycling, taking care of the broken glass. I made a few frogs nervous.

I got in the house, dried and changed and was walking through the living room to the kitchen when I looked out at the river. The trees weren't blowing, but looked weary and bent from their battering.....they looked as though they were mourning the loss of their broken friends. The once white-capped river seemed abnormally calm. Almost as though there had been no disturbance at all.

This morning the duck family was out front here, making the most of what I imagine the wind had churned up from the bottom of the river. I'm no expert at what happens to a river during a storm, but it makes sense to me that the wind that blew so fiercely last evening, enough to create white caps on this lazy river, was enough to bring some good stuff to the surface! It made me think of the storms that hit our life. Almost always they come as a surprise and seem to bring such ferocity with them; I can only speak for myself, but anxiousness ensues, frantic prayers.....and yes sometimes "why me". Somewhere in that midst of all my frazzled feelings comes a thought; a reminder from where my help comes. The storm may have taken me by surprise, but it never takes my Lord by surprise.

^1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

^3-4 He won't let you stumble,
your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel's
Guardian will never doze or sleep.

^5-6 God's your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.

^7-8 God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always. Psalm 121

Panic, pruning, praise.......peace.

Home is.....

2011-07-09T08:49:00.005-05:00

I started writing this particular post about 2 years ago, but for whatever reason, never posted it. So, I edited it, provided an update and posted it.....but it didn't post at today's date. So, I'm giving 'er another whirl!

I try not to focus on the fact that we're not at "home"; most days I'm successful. When we were offered the use of the mobile home, we thought (hoped??) that our stay would be temporary - a couple weeks; sort of like an unplanned vacation. We had a service man in to take a look at the furnace when we first got there just days following the fire and in the course of our conversation he asked whether we'd be here come winter. I pretty quickly responded in the negative. That wasn't the plan...... winter seemed such a long way off in April but what seemed a long way off then, doesn't seem far enough away now.

My prayer and goal is to get back into the south wing of our place before winter and I am hopeful that will happen. However, our plans are largely dependent on circumstances that are beyond our control. In order to avoid future disappointment, I have to manage my expectations now. I have to be content and prepared to stay here for as long as that is required. It's in that regard I can learn a thing or two from my youngest children.

We are told that children are "a heritage, a gift or a blessing" given to us so that we might train them up in the way they should go, and yet we can learn so much from them. At least I do. I've had times when I've thought I was revealing some great truth to my kids only to realize that the message was clearly intended for me. We've not had to deal with tears or tantrums about being in a strange or different place. Dec and Rhys went from having their own beds to sharing a mattress on the floor without complaint. We weren't here very long when I heard Rhys refer to the trailer as "home". Though that didn't make me feel all warm and tingly, I realized that my kids are safe and secure when their family is together, wherever that is.

Yesterday Tess was playing in the kitchen, looking through the cupboards yattering away at me. She doesn't care about where she plays or sleeps as long as she is with her family. Her actions reminded me that home isn't as much about where we live, but who we live with; Home is less about a building and more about the people who inhabit it.

Filling in the blanks: I started writing this around the end of June, 2009 and here we are in July of 2011. We transitioned....again....from the mobile to the "house on the river" last August to make room for kids returning home. Here the three youngest share a bigger mattress on the floor....Tess likes sleeping with "her boys" and before we just let her do it, we would find here there anyway. You learn after the 6th or 7th not to sweat the small stuff. In my last post I shared about our first home where we were blissfully happy for the four weeks that we were there. It was never home again following the accident. It needed work to get it winterized and there wasn't time or ability following the accident. Though Brad's practice was thriving before hand, being in hospital for a month followed by weeks and months of physical therapy and recovery that clearly had an affect on his ability to provide legal services,. It was the first time I was faced with the concept of God's provision. Following the hospital stay, friends offered us the use of their basement apartment and then we sub-let an apartment from a lady who went south for the winter. When I was 6 months pregnant, I was diagnosed with Toxemia, which I believe they now call pre-eclampsia. I was put on strict bed rest and my sister moved in with us to take care of me and, much to my dismay, our home. A month or so before Meagan arrived, we moved into my parents' home....this was all in our first year of wedded bliss! Though it isn't the dream of any newlywed couple, we lived happily there til Meagan was 9 months when we bought a wee house in Richards Landing. The family grew and pretty soon we needed more space, so we bought a bigger place just down the road......A change in Brad's employment took us to Gore Bay on Manitoulin Island; we also called Kagawong home for a while. From Manitoulin we ventured north to the Northwest Territories and enjoyed 3 years in Yellowknife. From there to Hatfield Crescent in Orleans, to "the Palace" just south of Kemptville..

The buildings have changed; we've added more children nd have had the privilege of having others make them their home with us too. For me, home is definitely less about a building and more about the people who inhabit it.

Enjoying the Journey

2011-07-07T08:45:00.005-05:00

Last evening we had company and were talking about "enjoying the journey". Anyone who has ever had a goal or dream or.....traveled with small children, can relate. "When are we gonna be there" is a question not allowed when we took road trips and we encouraged the kids to "enjoy the journey". I find that I have to remind myself of that; sometimes I can be so focused on what I see as the reward, that I miss so much getting there. Joseph had a dream, but I know that dream didn't include a pit, being sold or doing jail time.

I didn't have a lot of dreams growing up; it just wasn't part of my thinking and it wasn't really encouraged either. I didn't make plans about what I wanted to be or what I hoped to accomplish for God....to be honest, I wasn't sure I could do anything for him. At some point, I did know that I wanted to get married and have a family. I accomplished that one REALLY well! 25 years ago this past June 21 I married a man who treated me as no one else had. He was very different from anyone I knew and he was from "off the Island". When you live on an Island, there are two types of people: Islanders and non-Islanders. You also have "city" people and "country folk", "saved" and "unsaved" and "churched" and "unchurched". We categorize people....it's just the way it is. But I digress.....

So, 21 and married. My husband planned completely on his own an absolutely beautiful honeymoon. We spent 2 weeks on the West coast of this beautiful Country; we drove up the coast and took in the sites; gondola rides up mountains, white water rafting and a lovely cruise back down to the top of Vancouver Island. We did all the tourist things in Victoria and to top it all off, we spent 3 days at Expo in Vancouver before flying home It was a lovely time. While away, Brad had made arrangements for his mobile home to be moved to 400 acres of land he owned north of Sault Ste. Marie; it was a lovely property that included it's own lake and we had plans, dreams of building our home on the mountain with a view of that lake. I had given up my job before we married; we knew we wanted a family and didn't want to grow accustomed to having a second income. Brad's law practice was doing well and could certainly provide for us; we owned our own home and life was good!

We'd been home for about 4 weeks and I went into the office; I can't recall why....perhaps I was filling in for someone. I came home a little early so I could do laundry; Brad was catching a ride with my dad and sister so he could pick up his motorcycle and typically I would go with him, but not on this day. I was at home, puttering around, the radio was on in the background when I heard about an accident on the highway between the Sault and St. Joe. I stopped short and had a gut feeling. I called Kev; he had been Brad's best man and told him what I'd heard. He put my mind at ease and told me not to worry. A short time later he called back to let me know that he'd called the police, but the car involved wasn't a jetta. Whew. I started to breathe again.

It wasn't long after that I got a call from a cousin; he had been on his way home from the Sault and had passed the accident. He saw dad's car and confirmed that they had been involved and the fire and ambulance were at the scene.

I don't remember all of what transpired next.....but I talked to Kev again who told me to stay put and that he'd come and get me. It was the longest wait of my life, to that point. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me into Emerg to see my husband. His head was the size of a pumpkin and his one eye swollen shut. He had been asking for me....repeatedly. He didn't believe that I wasn't with him. In addition to suffering a concussion which mercifully caused him to lose consciousness, he had some rather nasty gashes on his forehead and eyelid that had come very close to his eye. He'd broken his femur and shattered his tibia and fibula. Surgery would be required, but he'd have to spend the night in ICU on what I think was a fracture board due to the more severe injuries of others. After assuring Brad I was fine, which I would have to do again thanks to the concussion, I was taken to see dad. The Sault had two hospitals, virtually side by side and dad was in the other one. Mr. Tulloch held my hand as we walked and prepared me as best he could. Dad had been driving and had taken the brunt of the impact and I was left with the impression that it wasn't known if he would survive. Both femurs were broken, his knee caps busted and the bones in his feet. When they'd x-rayed his pelvis, it was cracked as well. I remember looking at my father's broken body, the ugly colour of him and his legs laying at awkward angles. Mercifully, I can't recall how I felt.

My sister D'Arcy was 16 years old and had been in the backseat. She'd broken her femur as well, but still required two surgeries and spent close to a month in hospital. Brad was next to be released, right around the month mark and dad followed shortly after. As a family, we celebrated; though they only had 2 good legs between them, we hadn't had to stand at anyone's graveside. Even the young man who was in the other vehicle had survived and following lots of surgery told Brad years later that he was "better looking than ever". In addition to some other injuries, all of the bones in his face were broken when he was ejected through the front window. He was a young army recruit, headed west and had fallen asleep at the wheel. He had been just a few bed's down from my dad in ICU and in the absence of family, my mom would go and sit at his side. Over the course of the next weeks we did hear comments about how the accident could have been avoided if......you'd prayed that morning with your husband......you'd been living "right". We people who profess Christ can say the stupidest things at times.

It was while these three were in the hospital that I learned Brad and I were expecting. Somewhere on the coast of Beautiful B.C......sorry. I recall going into ICU to see my dad following a survery so I could share with him the good news that he was going to be a grandpa; he couldn't speak as his vocal chords had been damaged, but he closed his head, squeezed my hand and nodded. The day Meagan was born he walked into my hospital room wearing a sharp new black fedora and a huge grin. He was a proud papa.

I have learned in the last 25 years that I do have dreams; some are relatively small and have been realized and some are "friggin' huge" and have not. There have been many twists and turns along the way....most of them NOT what I would have planned. You see, I don't particularly enjoy difficulty or discomfort; I have no plan on ever jumping from an airplane or tying a bungy cord around my ankle. I am not an adventurer by nature, but I must acknowledge that I have experienced a deeper growth in my faith when I'm knee high in.....manure, 'cause that's when I'm more apt to be relying on God's strength rather than my own. I've had many times when I've come to the absolutely end of myself and have said "ok, Lord....I give. I trust you". I love reminding myself from where God has brought us. It may not have been as history making as the crossing of the Red Sea, but he has shown himself so faithful and I KNOW HE WILL CONTINUE TO BE SO 'cause it's who he is.

I love to travel....love road trips but if I knew before I left Ypsilanti last Friday that I was going to be stuck on the side of the 401 on July 1 with a flat tire, I would have done something about it. But I didn't know.

If I'd known at any juncture along my journey what lay ahead of me, I probably never would have married, forget having a baby....or 8. But I didn't know.

That's why it's a faith walk and not a cake walk! One of my favourite verses is 1 Cor 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

God has redeemed me; he is in the restoration business and he IS making all things new. I will continue to hope and trust in him and enjoy the journey.

2010-01-02T13:54:00.002-05:00

It’s quiet here.

Doesn’t occur often and won’t be for long. Brad, Meagan, Cam and Carleigh have taken Declan and Rhys tobogganing. I stayed behind so that Tess could nap and I could provide you all with this yearly update.

Meagan finished school in April and a couple weeks later, moved to Halifax. She was offered a job through her friend, Alex, with RGIS; an international company that handles inventory. After a few weeks, she was selected to train as a team lead and has run some inventories of her own. She particularly enjoys the travelling aspect of her job and has been to PEI and Cape Breton as well as some other less familiar places. RGIS has its busy season, but by fall Meg needed to find a part time job and landed one at a Starbucks in the Marriott Hotel on the Halifax Harbour. She has had to move a few times and before coming home for Christmas found a new apartment with a co-worker from Starbucks. We like to tease her about the number of moves she’s made and tell her not to get too attached, ‘cause with her track record, she’ll be moving soon.

Benjamin is in half-way through his 3rd year of the Bio-Med program at Ottawa University. He and his dad took a weekend road trip this past summer to three universities that have caught his interest for Med school and is wisely keeping his options open. Ben spent this past summer working on his tan….I mean he was rehired by the landscaping company he had worked for last summer and enjoyed an increase in responsibility. Ben too encountered some transition with respect to a place to lay his head at night and has had to “make do” with his current living conditions. I met Dionne a couple years ago in a ladies life group and she and her family have welcomed Ben into their lovely home. When I saw his walk-in closet, I told him that I could spend the night in there…..I think he thought I was joking!

Noah hasn’t officially moved out but spends as few nights here as possible. He and his friend Thomas have been pals since they met the summer before they began grade 4 at LCA and have again become inseparable. Thomas recently found employment and the boys are looking for digs of their own in the City. I may have to call Mrs. Dauray to see what I should do…..Noah got his truck on the road this year and is enjoying all that comes with the upkeep of a vehicle as well as life as a single guy. Noah works with us in the practice and when he moved back home I moved Tess into the hall way to make room for him; he is that much of a pleasure to have around.

Cam is in his Senior year at OFA and has had a very busy year. He attended 5 football camps this past summer and we put 10,000 miles on the car to do it! Cam’s team won their division this year and went to the state play-offs. He was named Lineman of the Year and was also selected to the North Country First All-Star Team. He was also this year’s winner of the Don Petty Award. The winner of the Petty Award should be an outstanding player, teammate and student/athlete and should exemplify leadership, sportsmanship and outstanding behaviour on and off the field. Cam has received an official invite to a Division II school and is still talking with three other Division I schools.

Carleigh-belle turned 15 this past year, whether mom likes it or not! It has been a big year for her in many respects. She arrived home from school on a day in April to discover that her house was on fire. She has gone from having her own room to sharing her space with whosoever-may-come and Cam on the weekends! Despite these challenges, along with other 15-year-old-girl things, she has shown a lot of maturity and unselfishness and we are very proud of her. Carleigh is often compared to her sisters, and though like both Meagan and Tess in some ways, is very much her own person. There is a lot that falls to her young shoulders when it comes to helping out with the little ones and taking care of dad on the evenings when mom is out.

That brings us to the “Expansion Pack”, as Ben fondly refers to them as. Declan is an old soul in many respects, and takes great joy in the administration of his younger siblings. He began a learning to read program at home this past fall and enjoyed lesson time, for the most part. Rhys learned that while Declan was busy doing a lesson, he could be playing computer games. Rhys is the more social of the two and the most perseverant little boy I have ever had the privilege of parenting. With all the talk of water boarding south of the border, I had thought about offering Rhys’ services to the US Defence Department….grown men would be begging for a quiet cell in Guantanamo. Tess will soon be 2, and is quickly outgrowing babyhood. She is a tiny little thing but loves to eat and also loves clothes; I’m guessing that’s Carleigh’s influence! Whether indoors or out, she is never far behind her big brothers and always manages to make more of a mess than either of them. She is well loved by all of us.

Brad and I enjoyed the opportunities we had to travel in ‘09. We spent a few days in and around Washington while Cam was at a football camp. At the end of July, we took the three youngest and drove to Halifax and spent 5 days enjoying Halifax and visiting various ocean beaches. Brad and I took the four youngest to Niagara Falls before school started and spent a few nights at my sister D’Arcy’s place. We had great fun with the kids at Marine Land and then D’Arcy, Lyle and Holly joined us at a theme park state-side. I haven’t laughed as hard as I did when D’Arcy, Brad and I got in the log ride….it was great fun. In October we were pleasantly surprised with a couple buddy passes and decided to spend a few days in Vegas. We enjoyed great weather, food and entertainment and walked until our legs ached. We arrived home in time to prepare for the next get-away when the family (less Ben and Cam) along with Dan and Thomas headed for Surfside, South Carolina. These get-a ways were definitely highlights for us along with visits from family, Friday night football games and family dinners.

Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am”. I found comfort in the fact that Paul had to learn to be content…..and I look forward to the day when I can echo his words. For now I must be content in the learning and encouraged as I read on……“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

That was the thought that I ended last year’s letter with. This past year will be remembered for many things, good and not so good. The biggest circumstance that affected our family was the fire that uprooted us from our home in April. Friends of ours who used to be neighbours in the mobile home park next to us offered us their empty mobile home. As the weeks have stretched into months, it became evident that we would be spending winter here and as the Christmas Season approached, I did concern myself with some of the traditions that have made for many a memory in the Allison house. In the past, we have enjoyed opening our home up and having folks in for the 5 days following Christmas. For weeks I wondered where we would put a tree, let alone 2 or 3 that was common for us. Where will we all sleep? We have a Christmas Village that Brad has enjoyed building and for each year we’ve been together, we have a building. A few years ago he and Meagan spent much of their Christmas holidays revamping the Village and it now has a lovely Swiss Alps feel to it. Traditions do play a part in our Christmas celebrations, as I’m sure they do in yours, so what happens when one is forced to abandon tradition?
I grew up attending Sunday School and Church and despite the familiarity of the story, I found myself pondering the oft-repeated themes surrounding the Nativity; I imagined how I would react to my teenage daughter telling me that she was with child. I thought about the fact that Mary was a first-time mom. Was she anxious or did she feel peace knowing that she carried the Saviour? I thought about that long ride to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey while pregnant only to arrive and discover that there was no room.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.

The Saviour…..wrapped in cloths…..lying in a manger.

As I drove home Christmas Eve, I was reminded of the humble beginnings that were part of God’s plan for His Son’s and our Saviour’s birth and I was comforted. As I ponder this past year, I am reminded that despite the difficulties and even in the midst of them, I have much to be thankful for. God hasn’t changed, but I think that we have and as we step into a New Year, we look forward with hope and anticipation to all that God has in store.

Killing me Softly

2009-09-07T12:37:00.008-05:00

I really admire those who do these blogs daily and seem to write them with complete honesty. I say seem to because of course I don't know what is going on in their thoughts and lives except for what I see and am told. I've had times when I've sat down to write something and couldn't be that honest; with myself or anybody else. There are times when what I'm dealing with doesn't only concern myself, but others and I have a hard time separating my stuff and the things I'm dealing with from the situation itself. Not sure if that makes sense to anybody, but there it is.

Yesterday we went to church as is our practice on Sundays. There is the hustle and bustle that goes on Sunday mornings with kids; both young and not so young. The little ones are early risers and usually awake around 6....sometimes earlier, sometimes a little later but it is safe to say that we don't need an alarm clock. The little ones wake us up and we wake the big kids up. The service we attend now starts at 9:30 instead of 9:00, so we've got that extra 30 minutes which worked out very well yesterday. Then there is feeding, cleaning, clothing, teeth brushing of the youngest three; everyone pitches in so mom can do the same for herself. Big kids get little kids in their car seats and then we all pile in to a couple vehicles for the 50 minute drive to church. Tess and Rhys usually have a wee nap, which makes it a fairly quiet drive in unless, of course, the sun is in Declan's eyes and I have to explain to him why I can't do anything about it.

We arrive usually right on time and file in to a row. Some days I arrive already overwhelmed and distracted: the busyness of the morning; with my own thoughts, my kids or a myriad of other things. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that God is so incredibly faithful and I am intensely human.

Yesterday morning I took Declan and Rhys to their program and signed them in. They love going to church and Rhys will ask almost daily if it's Sunday. For this I am thankful; it makes the busyness of the morning so worth it. I came back to the sanctuary and during the course of one song was left feeling unraveled. My kids will tell you that most Sundays I cry. I listen to the songs but rarely can sing them because I have no voice. The words get stuck somewhere between my chest and throat. I've struggled with understanding my emotions and their expression. There was a time when I thought that meant I had been touched but at this point I'm more interested in being changed and I know that doesn't come easily or without struggle. I think of that old Roberta Flack song "Killing me Softly"

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Tess got passed down to me and I held her close; another precious distraction. I took her out to the nursery, signed her in and taped her name on her back. I could hear someone saying my name and looked up to see Rhonda. She commented on Tess and how big she was getting. 19 months old this past Friday.....my baby. I waved bye and stepped away. I heard Rhonda ask how I was and I couldn't find words.

The tears came.

I was overwhelmed; unraveled.

I said earlier that I know that God is faithful. When I look back I can see his incredible faithfulness in my life and in the life of my family. He has saved me, loved me, protected me and changed me.....when I've allowed him to. I know his faithfulness and yet there are moments and days when I question it. Days and moments when I am overwhelmed by my circumstance and have to get to the end of myself and those feelings and replace them with his truth. Too often I give in to feeling; good and bad, and find myself in a place where I don't want to be. A place that is far from home, ya know? I have to remind myself that God continues to save me, daily; He loves me when I'm close to him and when I'm far away. He protects me even when I don't know it and yes, He is changing me, a little at a time.

Rhonda asked me what nugget I thought I was learning and I didn't really answer her; at least not very well. Of course there are issues of trust, but I think the further down this road I go, the more I realize my need for God. Not just in the big circumstances of life, but getting through each day; each moment. Without Him, I really am just dust.

Yesterday when I asked Declan what he had learned, he said "we learned about God". This is his typical response; you can almost hear the "duh" at the end of it. It is somewhat lacking in the detail I'm looking for so I questioned him further.

"What about God did you learn, Dec?".

My 5 year old's response: "I learned that I can trust God".

Me too, Dec; I'm learning that too.

Another Milestone

2009-08-31T11:11:00.008-05:00

Today we celebrate Noah who was welcomed into the world (and our hearts) by Brad, Meagan, Ben and I. It was a lovely day made only brighter by the safe and early arrival of our boy. I'm not sure what has me feeling so melancholy; perhaps it's because our niece was born just a few days ago and I've been ogling her pictures on facebook. Or perhaps it's because it is yet another reminder of how quickly time marches on. It just doesn't seem possible.....

Noah was born in the midst of the OKA crisis. We were living on St. Joseph Island, about a 45 minute drive East of Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario and the General Hospital. In those days, Highway 17 ran through the Garden River Indian Reservation and the highway did get closed. We declined the offer of a friend to take us into the City by boat and opted for an early induction. Nothing like a standoff to add to the excitement of a hospital run!

Noah was a happy baby and was always smiling.

I like Noah. Yes he's my son and I love him, but I enjoy spending time with him. He is easy to be with, has a great sense of humour and makes me smile. Noah has a good heart and is loyal almost to a fault. He is an independent thinker, which is a great quality though to be honest, there have been times when I've been less than thrilled with that quality. Noah takes people as they are.

Bug, I loved you long before I met you. I've watched you experience 19 years of life close up and I am very proud of the young man that you are becoming.

Happy Birthday!

Home is......

2009-07-02T13:38:00.021-05:00

I started writing this particular post about 2 years ago, but for whatever reason, never posted it; figured I'd do so now.

I try not to focus on the fact that we're not at "home"; most days I'm successful. When we were offered the use of the mobile home, we thought (hoped??) that our stay would be temporary - a couple weeks; sort of like an unplanned vacation. We had a service man in to take a look at the furnace when we first got there just days following the fire and in the course of our conversation he asked whether we'd be here come winter. I pretty quickly responded in the negative. That wasn't the plan...... winter seemed such a long way off in April but what seemed a long way off then, doesn't seem far enough away now.

An update: I started writing this around the end of June, 2009 and here we are in July of 2011. We transitioned....again....from the mobile to the "house on the river" last August to make room for kids returning home. Here the three youngest share a bigger mattress on the floor....Tess likes sleeping with "her boys" and before we just let her do it, we would find here there anyway. You learn after the 6th or 7th not to sweat the small stuff. A day or two ago I shared about our home Brad and I were first married; we were blissfully happy for the four weeks that we were there but we never returned following the accident. While Brad was fairly immobile, friends offered us the use of their basement apartment and then we sub-let an apartment from a lady who went south for the winter. When I was 6 months pregnant, I was diagnosed with Toxemia, which I believe they now call pre-eclampsia. I was put on strict bed rest and my sister moved in with us to take care of me and cook and clean. A month or so before Meagan arrived, we moved into my parents' home....this was all in our first year of wedded bliss! Though it isn't the dream of any newlywed couple, we lived happily there til Meagan was 9 months when we bought a wee house in Richards Landing. The family grew and pretty soon we needed more space, so we bought a bigger place just down the road......A change in Brad's employment took us to Gore Bay on Manitoulin Island; we also called Kagawong home for a while. From Manitoulin we ventured north to the Northwest Territories and enjoyed 3 years in Yellowknife. From there to Hatfield Crescent in Orleans, to "the Palace" just south of Kemptville.....we've called them all home.

The buildings have changed, but we've made each of them home, and have had the privilege of having others make them their home too.

I know He Watches Me

2009-05-28T09:23:00.006-05:00

Music for me is such a comfort and I find that when I'm struggling with something, whether it's a situation or just my own negative thinking, a verse of one song or another will come to mind. Often it's a few words of an old hymn. This morning it was "His Eye is on the Sparrow". As with many of the old hymns, there is a story behind this song.

Early in the spring of 1905, Civilla Martin and her husband were sojourning (great word meaning "to stay as a temporary resident") in Elmira, New York. They began a friendship with a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for close to twenty years and her husband was crippled and got around in a wheel chair. Despite this (there is a lot said in those two words), they were happy, and brought inspiration and comfort to all who knew them.

One day while the Martins were visiting with the Doolittles, Dr. Martin commented on their hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle’s reply was simple: “His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” The beauty of this simple expression of faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and his wife and this hymn was the outcome of that experience.

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Psalm 84:3 Even the sparrow has found a home,and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young—a place near your altar,O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

Waiting.....

2009-05-20T09:07:00.014-05:00

Here we are, May 20; 1 month and 3 days post fire and we continue to wait.

Fast Eddies started out as their name described, but have definitely slowed as time has gone on!! The second story has been removed, but the rear storage area and the kitchen have not been cleaned out. We continue to wait for a wall to be put up at the end of the south wing and power restored to that area so that we can get it cleaned. At that point the offices would be usable again and Dan and Noah could move back in....if they wish to. Brad has been in discussions with the adjuster about a temporary roof, but their idea of temporary involves hiring an engineer who who will take 3 - 4 weeks to provide his report....gah!

For now we continue to live and work out of the mobile. Most days it's just fine, but on "those" days (particularly rainy ones) the walls seem to close in on an already much smaller space than we are accustomed to! Maintaining a positive outlook is certainly key though I have had moments over the past couple weeks when I felt anything BUT positive. I have to work at keeping my expectations in check; this will be home for a while. The silver lining??? Thank you Lord that it's not winter!!

In this fast paced, microwave culture we live in where you can be in touch with anybody at the speed of a text or a twitter, watch television from your blackberry or iphone and shop without leaving the comfort of your living room, waiting isn't convenient. It is disruptive and can leave me feeling.....how shall I say it...out of control.

And therein lies the rub.

The lack of control and not knowing "how long" can bring me pretty close to those limits. In the moments when I find myself there I have to still the voices in my head that demand to be satisfied NOW.....and focus again on what's truly important. More of your grace, Lord, so that I can continue not only to wait, but wait well.
If life's circumstances are God's opportunities to assist us in realizing our deep need for him, then it really is him that I wait for. Isaiah 40:31 says "Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."

I don't write 'cause I have all the answers but I do tend to write when I'm looking for one. Something happens in the process and once again I am reminded of God's continued faithfulness in my life.

Ever find yourself in a place of waiting?

Two weeks, two days.....and counting.

2009-05-03T08:36:00.005-05:00

A couple days ago I was trying to think of a scripture passage but couldn't quite grasp it. I was sure it was in Psalms, but it seemed to lie just beyond the edge of my memory....Have you every tried to hunt down a scripture without a concordance? Thank heaven for Google and online Bibles!!

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord,who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Psalm 121: 1-3

I didn't go to bible college and I don't know why the books of the bible are arranged in the order that we find them, but I have always found it interesting and incredibly cool that the Psalms follow the book of Job....coincidence? I think not!

This past week the ladies in the lifegroup that I'm a part of blew me away with their graciousness. The encouragement they provided was right on:

Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Yet the righteous holds to his way, and he who has clean hands grows stronger and stronger. Job 17:9

Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them. Isaiah 42:9

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6, 7

In the midst of our present circumstances, life certainly does go on. Carleigh is back with us and Meagan and her friend Alex left yesterday morning for Halifax. Alex is there for two months, and Meg hopes the new job will work into some management experience for her so that she can go back to school for her MBA. Halifax is such a beautiful city; I`m sure they will have a great summer and I can`t wait to go visit (and eat some great seafood!). We`ve set up a temporary office in the mobile; we`ve gone from about 7,000 or 8,000 square feet where everybody had their own room and office as well as a weight and exercise room to approx 1,200 square feet. There are certainly moments of frustration (running an office with 3 under the age of 5 in close proximity is fun), this is a great location for us and we are thankful for the use of it. We had our first family dinner here Friday and fed 14....most of them ate outside!

The demolition of the centre portion of our place is scheduled to begin Monday. A barrier wall will be put up at the end of the south wing and an electrician will get hydro service back up and running. My understanding is that at that point we`ll be able to get the south end (bedrooms and offices) cleaned so that we can use that space. Brad continues to deal with the insurance adjuster. We`ve enjoyed a good laugh when people have shared with us their lawyer jokes.....some of them are actually funny. They are usually jokes where the profession is interchangable with car or insurance salesmen; you know what I mean. I think insurance adjusters could be added to that list as well. *Heavy sigh

I think for the most part we are keeping an upbeat attitude...there have been times when I`ve had to ask God for more of his grace; it`s a good thing he has a bountiful supply.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Post-fire Update

2009-04-27T09:59:00.005-05:00

Brad and I, along with Declan, Rhys, Tess and Meagan are currently staying in the mobile home park right by our place. Friends of ours had moved out before Christmas and offered it to us; we are thankful that we can be close to our place so we can keep an eye and oversee the work that gets done. Meagan heads out Friday for Halifax and her new job! Noah and Dan are staying with the Kelly's, Carleigh has a room at a friend's house just minutes away and Ben boards with Donnie and Lauren and will continue to do that while he works with Ray this summer.

Many have asked what they can do to help but until we finalize things with the insurance company, there really is little to be done! Brad, Dan and the older kids spent Saturday moving our belongings out of the main area of our place where the significant damage was done. Our offices and bedrooms were located in the south wing of our building and only sustained smoke damage, and fairly minor damage at that. In fact, we are using two of the beds that were taken from that wing here at the trailer, and they don't smell at all. The furniture from the main living room and tv area has been tossed; furnishings haven't been a big priority in the Allison household and simply were not worth cleaning. Friends of friends provided a pull out couch and a love seat; Dan brought over one of the chairs from his room that has no smoky smell and Noah and Casey cleaned one of the tables that had survived so we have room to sit and eat. Our large dining table was broken, but its days were numbered. I'm holding out for one of those big harvest tables!!

The trailer is equipped with fridge, stove, washer and dryer. It has satellite still hooked up, so we didn't lose treehouse t.v. (thank the Lord) and Brad has been enjoying the playoffs in the evenings. There are air conditioners at either end of the trailer for our added comfort, though we only had one on for a short time on Saturday evening. We've set Brad's computer up here and brought the printer/copier over so that we can run the office and we're able to retrieve messages from our office phones despite the fact that there is no hydro over there. Not sure how that works!

Our greatest need at this point to reach a settlement with the adjuster. We would like to be dealt with reasonably and fairly, but for the first week after the fire all we heard from the adjuster was what our policy did not cover. That gets a little frustrating after a while, so we'd appreciate prayer in that regard. Once a settlement is reached, we will then have decisions to make, and help may well be needed at that point. We have options and that is great. I will continue to post here when there is something to share.

We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers. We see this as an opportunity for a real good Spring cleaning! I walked the building and property yesterday and when I was outside I coudn't help but notice that the fire took out all of the old dead grass and revealed the new green grass that was underneath. I love analogies, and that spoke to me. Just like you can't put new wine in old wineskins, it had been impossible to see that new growth when the old stuff was there.

We lost some stuff, but stuff is replacable; nothing of any value to us was lost. I am sooooo thankful that Declan not only smelled smoke, but was smart enough to realize there was something not right and alert me to it. He's my hero.

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what youve done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound Ive been set free
Ive been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

Modern Day Parables

2009-02-15T13:19:00.013-05:00

Yesterday, after being found by an older brother, my 3 year old (who is not yet potty trained) came down the hall wearing a shirt, a slight grin and a bare and very dirty bottom. In one hand he held a dirty wipe.

I can't say that I completely appreciated his effort; fortunately the mess didn't go beyond his body or the wipe he held.

After voicing my lack of appreciation, I took the dirty wipe and disposed of it and ushered him into the bathroom where I continued to voice my motherly concerns and plunked him in the tub. I used the hand held shower head to clean the poop from his hands and the rest of him, and then cleaned the tub. As I ran him a bath, I continued to remind him that when he poops, he needs to come and tell mommy so I can help him.

I'm a mom to 8. Though I don't have to remind 6 of them to come and let me help them clean themselves (they are all trained....well, for the most part) sometimes I do have to remind them of other things.

No matter how much you love and support a friend, you are not responsible for the choices they make.

You are not alone, but are a part of something bigger.

You are destined for greatness.

...and sometimes, when I am frustrated and angry, I remind them that I love them...no matter what. That one is tough and one I need to do with more regularity.

There are times when I wish I could hear God like Rhys heard me....well, perhaps not. God often uses my kids to speak to me and at some point after the clean up was finished, my thoughts turned to myself. When I am dealing with my own stuff, I feel dirty and often alone. Sometimes I think of one or two others who I could go to and there have been times when I have reached out to ask for help. Most often, however, I stuggle with the stuff until I reach a point where there is no where else to go but to the One who made me; the one who knows me and yet loves me....even when I'm covered in filth.

Yesterday, God used Rhyser to get my attention....and I was listening. I need to keep that mental picture of Rhys as a reminder of where I need to go for help first.

Ending 2008 with a New Tradition

2009-01-08T12:34:00.005-05:00

We started a new tradition here this Christmas.

Meg, our eldest, shared her thougths this past fall about how she had grown frustrated with how Christmas, particularly the gift aspect of this blessed holiday, was being done in our home. By way of an explanation, the year we had Declan the kids started doing the shopping. I would do the stockings, but they each were given the same amount of money and with those funds, they had to buy something for everybody. They could choose to go together with another sibling or two, or they could do it on their own. Some of the kids added their own funds as well; that was up to them. Everybody did a list so that they each had an idea of what the others wanted.

Meg shared that she had grown weary of the "list" thing because over time the lists had become less of a guide line and more of a shopping list and that it didn't leave room for expression. She believed gifts should be meaningful rather than "items from someone's prioritized, categorized list" and she wanted to separate the idea of shopping from giving. She really explained herself well.

So after some thought, Brad came up with an idea. It was his hope that it would give us a way for Christmas to be more meaningful to us all, while still respecting the notion of giving and receiving gifts.

The proposal related to Brad and I and the older 5. Prior to Christmas, other than stocking stuffers and gifts for the little ones, there would be no shopping; instead, each of us would prepare for Christmas Day by pondering what it is that we could see in each of the others that we really admired or respected, and what we could see that each person had accomplished in the last year. By doing this, we could celebrate each other's character and accomplishments together. We would also speak into one another's future, about what each person's dreams and passions are all about and what we see as the longer term future of each other.

So, on Christmas day, after the little ones were done their unwrapping, we all sat together and did just that. We did have to take a few breaks; there are, after all, 7 of us. There were many laughs and tears; there were moments during that day that I know we will always remember, yet I'd have to think about it if you asked me what I got last year for Christmas. It was shortly after 10 p.m. when we finished the last person; it had been a very full day, indeed, but one that I believe drew us much closer to each other. It was truly inspiring to hear what those closest to me had to say; my children know me very well.

So this will be how we share Christmas Day together in the future.

By the way, we didn't totally abandon the buying of gifts. We did sit together on a second appointed day and thought about what sort of gift, be it sympolic or pragmatic, we could give to each one that would remind them of what was said or assist them in the pursuit of their dreams. The gift suggested for me was a room; a place where I can go to be alone to think and write. The border around the room will read

.....Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal, and will not fail, though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.

.....one of my favourites!

My Big Canadian Family

2008-07-02T08:29:00.004-05:00

I am not a regular blogger; I have not made it a habit to sit down and write everyday. I envy (intake of breath) those who do. I enjoy writing, but right now it is more of a tool. I'm not the best at communicating my thoughts and feelings; there seems to be a disconnect somewhere between my brain and my tongue and much to the frustration of those who are close to me, I tend to speak in half sentences. Sometimes I'm sure I've said something, but in reality I've thought it and said little

This past Sunday we had ALL of our family gathered. It was the first time we'd been together in the same space since our time away between Christmas and New Years. It was the first time we'd been together in our home (affectionately referred to as "the Palace) since before Meg and Cam left for their respective countries last September (Meg to the Czech Republic, Cam to the US) and it was the first time we'd all been together since the birth of Tess. Effort, intention and perseverance are words I would use to describe calling all of us together, but we did it. This morning I sat down to send a simple email to give everyone the date of our next gathering.....and it turned out to be a little more than that SO I decided to share it here.

Brad, Meg, Ben, Noah, Cam, Car, Dec, Rhys and Tess too

It was great having you all here on Sunday. I was so looking forward to it; as dad mentioned, you each have had accomplishments this past year and we have much to be thankful for; much to celebrate as a family. Each of you either have or are transitioning into a new place: Meg is settling back into being in Canada after spending 8 months in Europe and will be heading into her final year of undergrad in the fall. Ben has completed his first year of University, has moved out of the house (or flown the coop) and is enjoying making some money. He's also enjoying spending time with a certain special young lady.....Noah has graduated from high school and finds himself single (...right, Noah??). He's looking into some online courses for Sport Management and has already had a couple casual meetings, one that was completely out of the blue. Cam, somewhat like Meg, spent 8 months out of the country and is enjoying his freedom once again. I can't imagine being that close and not being allowed to enter; I'm sure it was harder than any of us thought. Kudos to you, Cam. Carleigh graduated from grade 8 and made the Honour Roll; she also enjoyed her first year of voice. Of course, Dec goes to the washroom like a big boy. Rhys.....well, he's graduated to "big brother".

I wanted to say something the other night, but words failed me. I can't explain to you the thoughts and feelings that I have.....in almost any given day they range as much as your ages do. I have "kids" that are adults who deal with all of the issues involved in being a young adult. Career choices, what school to attend, finding a place to live, work issues, relationships..... I also have "young'uns"....a 4 year old who has a very active imagination and wants to draw and write and colour and learn; a busy almost-three-year-old who is into everything!!! One minute I'm after him for getting into something and the next minute he's got that big, beautiful smile that lights up his face and his arms wide open, looking for a hug and "tiss". "I love you too, mom"!! Well, that's what he is saying, though that's not quite what comes out. Then there is "baby Tess"; you can't help but smile when you look at her 'cause that's what she's doing. Such a happy wee girl.....I love her so much.

I love you all.....so much.

And yet I know that there are times when I frustrate you; there are times when I forget how quickly the time passes and I spend too much time "doing" and not enough time "being"; there are times when I say one thing and yet I do another; there are times when I open my mouth knowing that I am speaking in frustration and I'll end up saying something that I'll later regret.....I know there have been times and there will be times, far too many times, when I'll come to you looking for your forgiveness.

Meg, thanks for taking the time to come. Thanks for driving Cam, Carleigh, Ben and Vanessa here from church and for taking Ben and Vanessa home afterward. Thanks for making the potato salad, too! Ben, thanks for making the time and for sharing Vanessa with us. Thanks for fishing in another pond, honey; she's lovely....deep down lovely! I especially enjoyed looking down that long row of "my kids" and seeing her worshipping! I would love to get to know her more. Thanks for taking the time to throw the football around with Cam. Next time, Ben, we WILL play Euchre!! Noah, thanks for the amazing job you did at cleaning up and for just being you and making me smile. You have a gift, bug; a gift for relating with people where ever they are at. Cam, thanks for the amazing job you did at setting up the table; wow, good silver and everything. I was impressed!! As much as I appreciated your offer to Indian leg wrestle, I'm sure you can imagine why EVERYBODY turned you down. Carleigh, thank you for all of your help with the little people; you are good and sweet and kind, thoughtful and helpful. I could not manage around here without your help.

Brad, thank you for sharing the past 22 years of life with me. Thanks for loving me unconditionally, encouraging me to look beyond what my eyes can see and for supporting me. Thanks for reminding me when I take things (including myself) too seriously.

I was watching some little show on Treehouse TV with Dec and Rhys last night....I don't know the name of it but it was about the Chinese New Year (kinda like a Chinese version of Dora.....). Anyway, there were five characters carrying a dragon. One of them, I think it was a tiger, stomped off in a huff because he didn't think his job was important, leaving only 4 left to carry this dragon only the 4 that remained couldn't do it. The 4 end up encouraging the little tiger of his importance and in the end he comes back to take his place. Pretty simple message....and not a new one in this house, yet it had me thinking.

Each of you is a piece of something bigger here and when one is absent, there is a hole. I realize that you all are at different places and a couple of you don't live here anymore, yet when we all make the effort and take the time to gather together there is SOMETHING that happens just because we're together. I'm already looking forward to the next time, so mark July 20 on your calendar.

Is it too late???

2008-06-17T11:32:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I asked my husband if it was too late to change my mind on this mothering thing.....

I was having "a moment"; I've had many over the course of the 21 years I've been a mother, and I expect there will be more. I would love to say that these last three have been easier because of my experience with the first five, but it isn't so. The theory of parenting really isn't that difficult.....I know we have many books that line the shelves of our bookcase with all sorts of great advice on how to deal with anything from getting babies to latch while nursing and sleep through the night to potty training in 3 easy steps to raising boys and dealing with strong willed children..... Like anything in life, the practice of raising children isn't quite as easy.

Today Rhys, our almost-three-year old was on top of his little tikes car. We have a couple of them, which is perfect and saves many an argument 'cause we have a couple little boys. Anway, Rhys was laying on top of his car which was parked next to the couch and was working his way forward to get to the couch. I was sitting there, watching this and at one point offered a warning. Being almost-three, he chose not to listen and though he didn't fall on his big head, he did have an incident which left him walking away limping and whining.....but he did walk away!

Told ya' so.

No, I didn't say it, but I do wonder sometimes when he will learn that I can see what he can't? From my experience, I can honestly say that I don't know when he'll learn, but it won't be from me telling him not to do it but from him getting tired of walking away with a limp. That's how his mother did it.....and still does.

As a mom I have watched my kids make a myriad of choices; some I have heartily agreed with, some I haven't and it doesn't get any easier as they get older, in fact it gets harder.....to shut my mouth; it gets harder, in some instances, to wait until I'm asked for my opinion, to be encouraging and to continue to love each of them unconditionally while they figure things out.

Meg, Ben, Noah, Cam, Car....Dec, Rhyser and baby Tessie too; from the moment you blessed my life I've had to learn to let you go and to allow you to grow. Like you, I'm still learning :0). Thanks for loving me anyway.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T12:54:00.009-05:00

Growing up I believed; no, I knew that I had the best dad. Dad was easy to talk to and as the father to three daughters; nothing was off limits. As a little girl I recall going with him to the old A & W drive-in to buy the big jugs of cold root beer and of course, Dairy Queen for buster bars. He was great to take shopping; he had good taste and typically only asked one question: "will you wear it?". What more could a girl ask for? I loved dad's laugh. He was a gentle man; a quiet man. He had an interesting way of responding to questions at times; especially if we were asking permission to do something when he knew that we already knew the answer.....he would just sit quietly. Eventually we'd get the idea and stop asking stupid questions. He was hard working; a good provider. When I reached college, we commuted together. On wintery days when the roads weren't great, he'd get me to drive. I'm thankful that he did that; it has served me well on many an occasion. I have one sort of "frozen in moment" time when I was very young; we lived off of Pim Hill (I think) and I can picture myself running to greet my daddy as he walked home from work.

Growing up, Dad always provided enough rope by which I could hang myself; and he was always there to cut me down, too. I believe that my dad knew most every stupid thing I did, yet he loved me anyway. My dad was the first man in my life to love me unconditionally. Aside from my husband, I don't know of a man who was, and is, as generous as my father; whether it was with his time or his money, he has always been a generous giver.

On December 26, 2002 I got a call advising that my dad had left. I was 37 years old.

The initial shock of the separation was followed by a myriad of emotions: denial, hurt; anger…..of course disappointment. I would find myself staring blankly at pictures, crying and wondering if the memories they stirred had all been a lie. My father; a man that I’d looked up to, who had been one of the biggest influences in my life......the cause of so much pain? My hurt and disappointment wanted to find a place for the blame, and in those early weeks, it rested squarely on my dad. I recall the first time he called here..... I listened and I cried; mostly I cried. I said little, but yet I felt like I'd said too much. It was a difficult time. I actually thought at one point that if I sacrificed my relationship with my father, then he would change. Yeah, that would teach him! Fortunately, I had another thought.

Unmet expectations are difficult to deal with. What do you do when the man you believed to be perfect turns out not to be?? I recall the first Father’s Day after ...... I was struggling, wondering how to honour my dad. I went to church on Father’s Day and our pastor was sharing about his own dad. He shared how he chose to see beyond his father’s faults to the good. It is always easier to see the faults in somebody else; always easier to poke the finger and tell somebody else that they need to change. The Pastor honoured his dad that day and I left with a different perspective. As I think back to that time I am thankful. I do believe that in my questioning and wondering, God opened my mind and my heart and he gave me compassion, helped me to see differently.

I realized that in terms of my relationship with dad there was really only one question I needed to answer: Was I prepared to deny myself, and my children, a relationship with him? Did I want to be so "right" that I was at risk of losing all that was good about this man? The answer to that question was simple. No matter what dad did, does or ever will do that has no bearing on who he is….my dad. The relationship we share today has been tested. It is honest and I cherish it. I respect my dad – he is a good man and I know that he will do anything within his ability for me and mine. I have watched him over my lifetime genuinely care for people. He took his brother into his home when he learned he was dying and now he helps care for his 90 year old parents so they can remain at home. I've watched him walk the floor with Rhys when he was a cranky baby, help Brad clean the basement when the sewer line had backed up (now THAT is love); he's helped me by doing a myriad of things from cleaning to painting, knowing that these things mean a lot to me. 12 years ago he put me on a plane and sent me to my husband and I am thankful that he did. Harold serves; that is what he does…..but it is also who he is.

I may disagree with my dad on some things, but there is far more that we agree on. It is my choice, my pleasure and my privilege to love you dad; I am thankful for the father that you've been; I've learned that the pictures don't lie. I honour you today for the man that you are.

Happy Father's Day, dad.

playing Catch Up

2008-06-10T12:29:00.008-05:00

We celebrated Cam's birthday this past Sunday. It was a busy day for him - he had tried out for the Eastern Ontario Under 17 football team and was successful. Sunday was the day they made the final cuts and decided who would be on the starter squad and again, Cam was favoured. He seems to have hit a stride this past year. After many years of "sowing", he is now reaping his reward for all of his (and dad's too) perserverence and hard work.

Ben officially moved out just over 3 weeks ago. The plans he had made for summer employment fell through AND YET he was able to find a great job (even better his mom would say) working for a friend of ours who maintains grounds for many of the schools in this area . Ben has become very familiar with the weight of a weed whipper. He is sporting a lovely tan these days and I was certain when we met up with him Friday evening for coffee that his arms looked bigger.....He is enjoying the hard work as well as the fruits of his labour: a pay cheque and that feeling of a job well done. Ben's plans as to where he would live this summer also fell through, but again that all worked out. He's boarding with friends from church; they know Ben and yet still love him (kidding, honey....). I expect this summer to be a memorable one for Ben as well as a bit of a lesson learned.

Noah is finishing up highschool and looking forward to spending some time on Manitoulin, the "big Island". Having grown up on a neighbouring, Manitoulin (aka "Largest Freshwater Island in the World") was always referred to as the "other Island". My best friend's family hailed from there so it was frequently mentioned.... That was until Brad and I moved to Manitoulin. Now it depends on who we're talking to which Island gets called the "other Island". Noah really had wanted a program at Laurentian in Sudbury, but he didn`t get it, so he's looking at options. Just as with Ben, I know there is something for Noah, we just don't know what it is just yet. Noah is well able to roll with it, though, and he;ll soon have it figured out. Noah is a huge help around here and does most anything he's asked. He's good in the kitchen and does a great job on the barbecue, thank you very much!

Carleigh is finishing up grade 8 and will be a minor niner next year. She will continue her half french immersion program at St. Mikes. She has a number of other "cute and sometimes mind-numbingly silly" friends!! Do you remember 13?? Did I mention she is blonde?? Sorry Car. She can't leave a room (or get off the phone) without declaring her love for whoever she is speaking to. She is good and sweet and kind and makes up for all of the testosterone around here. Carleigh is finishing up her year of voice lessons and we'll soon be attending her recital and then her exam. She's a huge help around here with the little boys (who do try to take advantage of her); she took on bath time when Declan was just a baby and has been doing it ever since, bless her heart.

Meagan arrived home after enjoying a year abroad.....and is already planning her next trip. She had a great year; she did a lot of growing up and has returned home even more confident then when she left. She met her baby sister for the first time and we enjoyed her for two weeks before she left with her U-Haul, Peterborough bound. She is working at Elmhirsts' Resort; she worked there last year and they were happy to have her back.

The 3 little ones.....ya' know, I grew up one of three and always said I'd never have "just three". Well, we had the "3 older ones", then we had 3 boys in a row and now I have "3 little ones". NEVER say never.... The boys continue to provide us with countless stores whether it's Declan's imagination and creative way with words or Rhys' antics.....there is rarely a dull moment. Thankfully, Rhys seems to be over his "wake up at all hours of the night" phase. They are early risers, all of ours were, but he hasn't been up before 5 in a while and a couple mornings ago we didn't see him til 6:30!

At four months, Tess is sleeping through the night. The boys go to bed at 8 p.m. and Tess closely follows, waking shortly before or after them. She is such a pleasure; a happy, content little girl who loves to talk to her dad (or anybody else listening....or not!) and has a quick smile. The only thing we've found that she doesn't like is her car seat. It's what keeps her from being perfect! I have found that I am able to block her out, but others find her screaming somewhat disturbing. Rhys or Declan are good about letting me know when she's crying, just in case I didn't hear her. They love her to bits.....though Rhys somewhat less gently than Dec! They frequently ask if they can hold her "all by myself".

They are a blessing.....all of them, though there are days when I have to remind myself that I chose this. When I have thoughts of "what have I done" or start to feel sorry for myself I remind myself that I was the one who wanted more. Yes, I have a husband, but I was the one who actually prayed for more. I wept for another baby. I was the one who had to go through the whole process of the tubal reversal.....I had to convince not only my doctor, but we had to convince the surgeon that we were not crazy, because I wanted more; and God heard my prayer and he answered it with.....more. Despite all of that, there are days and moments when I have to remind myself. The rest of the time I do realize I have been blessed and favoured.

Our summer isn't a crazy one in terms of the practice, but with Brad's court schedule, Cam's football schedule, Meg, Ben and Noah's work schedules, finding time as a family has become an issue. I've instituted monthly family dinners over the course of the summer to ensure we do get to spend some time together; to catch up and to spend a bit of time enjoying one another. Though I do not regret choices made in the past year, it wasn't always easy having Meg in another Country, too distant to see; Cam in another Country, not able to enter Canada and the others off in different directions. They're growing up and it is hard to believe it has come to this...but ya' gotta roll with it and I'll make whatever concessions I need to make in order to get us all together once a month!

Another Step.....

2008-04-22T12:16:00.004-05:00

I found this in draft and thought that despite being written in April, the 22nd I believe, I'd post it.

Just got a call from Cam. He and Brad left this morning at 5:30 for his Visa interview in Montreal.

It's done! He's in! He doesn't just have a Visa (or Green Card), but once his feet touch U.S. soil he is deemed to be an American Citizen (so he'll have Dual citizenship like me) because he is the son of one. We can apply for his SSN and U.S. Passport anytime.

So, the big boy with the big dream of playing in the NFL is one step closer! Having the dream is just the first step, and a relatively easy one; walking it out is another. I do believe that even if Cam never steps foot on the football field as an NFL draft pick, he has succeeded because he is running his race.

Ya know this whole process, like much in life, has really been and continues to be a learning experience....not only for Cam, but for me as well. Some of my ideas about God and His will have been challenged; ideas about how He leads, guides and directs my life have been challenged and have changed. My husband, my kids, people I'm in relationship with, both past and present, have had a huge effect. How often do I sit on the sidelines waiting for the path to light up before I take a step?

I am continuing to learn about sacrifice and as a family we continue to work together to help achieve the goals of one another. Meg will soon be home after having spent her school year in the Czech Republic. Ben is close to completing his first year of university and is a step closer to his dream of becoming a doctor....and on it goes. God's will for our lives is rarely the easiest journey to take; but I do believe if we continue to, as my husband says, "put one foot in front of the other", it is where we will learn the most and where His plans for our life "work together" for our good.

Earth's Broken Things.

2008-03-15T07:54:00.002-05:00

Christ is building His kingdom with earth's broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth's broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth's saddest failure up to heaven's glory.
--J. R. Miller

I'm going through a difficult time right now. I can't chalk it up to only one thing; it feels like everything is being shaken and though I know God has a purpose in this, my human mind struggles for understanding. I know I'm not alone. I've spoken with 5 or 6 others who are dealing with their own situations and I do take comfort in that.....that doesn't sound good. I don't take comfort in others problems, just in knowing that I'm not alone.
I grew up with this beautiful, vivacious, bubbly girl......lets call her Betty. Betty and I weren't "best friends" or anything, but we lived close to one another and our sisters were close. Betty was a grade higher than me and we had a different group of friends but we were in the school band together and CGIT. Growing up on a small island in Northern Ontario means if folks aren't family, they're friends (or end up family unless you marry a non-islander like I did). We keep in touch and when I'm "home" I like to pop in and say hi.
Betty has a beautiful big smile and a great sense of humour. What makes her truly remarkable to me is her positive attitude; though she was never blessed with a child of her own she has always been excited when we've brought another new one for her to meet. Never have I sensed her holding back in her sincerity at welcoming a new baby; never have I questioned whether or not I should bring my babe for her to see. To this day, despite the fact that I've moved several times and had more children, Betty still sends her warm regards that can be felt through the world-wide-web. I know that there were many prayers offered up both by and for her; I don't know personally of the pain she endured; of the questioning that had to go on as she walked through that dark time in her life AND YET she walked through it holding fast to the only One who had any hope of filling the child-shaped void. Betty was pregnant once and miscarred; today marks the 12th anniversary of her due date. I know this day will hold memories for her, but she stands as a witness to me of what God does with one of his broken things.
I'm a Christian - a "follower of Christ" and, like all of us, I've had to deal with life's difficulties. Despite the experiences I've had and the lessons I thought I'd learned, when these circumstances arise my first reaction is most often one of dismay. Once the shock wears off and the emotions clear, then I remember that God allows in his wisdom and love what he could easily prevent by his power and I'm left again with the question of who I trust; who is in control.
Here I am......again. This place is familiar; I've been here before though I really wish I could get it all done in one shot. It took some time but I did find myself a few times over the past week amidst the tears thanking God for where I'm at.
Broken again.

Praying for plastic monkeys

2008-03-11T13:11:00.006-05:00

Yesterday Declan had his tail in a knot because he couldn't find his monkey (you remember the barrels of monkeys? well he's down to 3 monkeys and had misplaced one of them). Declan likes order and is very single minded.....the complete opposite of his mother and sometimes I find him hard to understand. He was convinced that he'd dropped one of the monkeys between the couch (it's a sectional). Even after we had moved the different pieces of the couch and he still couldn't locate the monkey, he was insistant that it was there. I could feel myself growing frustrated as he cried over this stupid monkey and nothing helped calm him. Finally I sat down on the edge of his bed and took his little hands in mine and started to pray. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that with him. I asked God to help us find the monkey. I told Declan that God cared about everything that concerned us; even his missing monkey. By the end of the prayer we were BOTH crying. We spent some time looking for the missing monkey, Declan calmed down and I was reminded that God does care about what concerns Declan.....as well as what concerns Declan's mother.

I headed to Ogdensburg late afternoon. Somehow the keys to one of our vehicles had gotten locked in the car (some electrical problem with the door locks) and Tess' interim health card being the only ID she has was locked inside. I figured they'd still let me cross and headed out. I had to explain my sad story, but the guy at the US border let me bring Tess in. He likely figured it was such a tale, I couldn't have made it up. This morning when I came back into Canada it was again on my mind.....sometimes these border guys have no common sense at all and despite the fact that I cross that border 3 or 4 times a week, today might be the day I get some new guy who is making sure he asks for ID (rarely do they even ask for it at the Canadian border) and whether or not I have any firearms, alcohol or tobacco. Instead, I had a super friendly guy who let me in with no problem......and tears came to my eyes as I was reminded again that God knows about even these little things that concern me. I asked Him to forgive me for forgetting, for doubting......again.

It has been a difficult week and I found myself one day thanking God for the discomfort. I can't go into details of all that is going on but circumstances have arisen and there is a need for change; a change I know that God has been preparing me for. I'm not completely sure of all that is going on, but it is time to course correct. Walls have gone up that really need to come down and though I know it won't be easy, it is time. Hope - REAL hope is found in brokeness; when we get to the end of ourselves and realize that we can't.....but God can.

Today I had the opportumity to share my "Declan story" to a friend. He said something and though I won't be able to repeat it word for word, it made sense to me. Often it is not the things we accomplish that are important, but the things we overlook in our busyness that are most important. Those few minutes I spent praying for the monkey meant something to both Declan and I.

.......By the way, we found the monkey and CAA unlocked the car door, too.

.....here we grow again

2008-02-19T12:22:00.004-05:00

For anyone following my rather spotty attempt at blogging, you may recall that Brad and I were expecting our eighth child. Tess Elizabeth arrived on her due date of February 4, after only 2 hours of labour and lets say 18 minutes of pushing. She weighed in at 9lbs 2oz. A little girl who will act as the "period" in our family (or perhaps I should say exclamation point).

I love my boys; all 5 of my boys. Any woman who has had a son knows that there exists a special bond between mothers and their sons, as does, I believe, between fathers and their daughters. I think we all were quite happy that this last one was a girl. It somehow seemed.....appropriate that we once again experience the "kinder, gentler" of the two sexes. Tess will be - or should I say is indeed - the princess; youngest of 8 with 5 older brothers to keep guard. I can only imagine what sort of reception awaits the poor sap fortunate enough to fall for our youngest. After he gets through dad there will be 5 other males standing in line, waiting for their shot. I just shake my head.

So the honeymoon period, the "after glow" is pretty much over. The hormones have kicked in and its nothing to see me sitting on the couch while nursing Tess, driving to Ogdensburg, thinking about something or nothing at all, blubbering away like a fool. My thoughts are rather chaotic; though if you know anything about our home there are valid reasons for that! I was reminded this morning that it is so easy to forget all that one does until one tries to insert something new and are soon reminded. Brad and Dan have been taking more of my office responsibilities away, which is good.....but then I have to work through my own issues in terms of that. Easy to say that what we do isn't as important as who we are; fact is, things still need to get done and we're (okay, I'll admit it) hugely rooted in what we do and even more than that, who we please while we're doing it. Again I find myself in a place where I must force myself to be honest; not only with myself but with those around me. Sad, isnt it; that at the age of almost 43 I often find that I need an excuse?

The baby is crying......must go. Who knows when I'll drop this way again. I often thing of some great stuff to write, but making my way to the computer to actually do it comes after a fairly lengthy list of other "must dos".

Thanks to Brad, Dan and the family for picking up all that I've put down. Thanks to Julie for your prayers! Thanks to Don and Jess for the laughs! Thanks to Bonnie for reminding me I'm normal....well, as normal as I can be and thanks to Auntie Pat for caring enough to call back. Love, and appreciate, you all.

Christmas, Family and Life

2008-01-08T09:01:00.000-05:00

I'm tired today.

36 weeks along; a few more to go. I know these sleepless nights are sort of preparation for what is to come once this baby arrives, but I find myself wondering what I would do for even one night of uninterrupted sleep! This was the first morning in a long while that Rhys wasn't in our bed before 6 a.m.; for quite some time it was 5:11. I've never been one to sleep in, but 5:11 is just a little too early for me. I went to Ogdensburg on Sunday afternoon and was in bed with the light off by 8:30. Of course I had to wake up for the trip to the bathroom around midnight, but that is to be expected at this point.

Meagan flies out tomorrow. It has been nice having her home and the time has indeed flown by. Brad and Carleigh picked her up at the airport in Montreal on the 22nd and she's been busy every since! The rest of us were waiting for her in Ogdensburg so that Cam could be in on the welcome.

You'd think that nine people in a 2-bedroom house would be over the top, but we all spent 2 nights there before we left for Virginia Beach on Boxing Day. We took two cars down and piggy backed one another. With 4 drivers it worked out well. Of course there were moments of tension; that happens when you have that many people (especially of the related variety) spending significant time in reasonably close quarters! We had two rooms: a boys room and a girls room. We wanted to give the girls some privacy (and mom a bit of a break) so we took turns with the two youngest. Rhys slept better while we were away and we didn't have many of those 5:11 a.m. mornings.

There were a couple times over the holidays when I had left Kemptville headed for Ogdensburg feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. I hadn't put a lot of expectations on myself in terms of decorating on either side of the border. The kids do most of the shopping; we downloaded that to them a few years ago and it works great! Brad and I take care of stocking stuffers. I hadn't done any baking; my mom had brought some over and my thought was that we girls could do some of that together Christmas Eve and besides, we weren't going to be home for the week between Christmas and New Year's. So there wasn't a lot of stress associated with those typical things.....however there was the fact that I was 34 weeks pregnant, dilating and 50% effaced to lend an extra bit of excitment to being out of the Country. A few days prior we had discovered that the air mattresses we were using in Ogdensburg were not holding air and we had a houseful of people and nothing to sleep on. Brad and I had taken a trip to Sleep Country where they were advertising a great sale - $189/piece! Our thought was that we could upgrade ourselves to a King and take our well-used bed (we got it when I was expecting Cam who is now 15.5) over along with a futon we had here. Well, the good folks at Sleep Country wanted to sell us a $1,500 bed which may have been a great deal, but wasn't what we went in to buy. There were also some tensions within the family that had me fretting about what the coming week would or could bring and when I finally left here Christmas Eve day after spending a few hours cleaning up stuff in the office, I discovered that some of the boxes of food that had been delivered a week or so prior were starting to thaw. They had been put in the "cold wing"; the unheated section of the old nursing home we call home upon delivery. We had no idea there was so much coming at once and I wasn't prepared. I went into Dan's office to hug him goodbye and wish him a Merry Christmas and it was all I could do to choke out the words; I felt heavy....burdened. My chest felt tight with that feeling you get when you try to hold back tears. When I walked out the door my mind was a buzz and I would have liked to just lay down somewhere and sleep for a very long time.

But it was Christmas Eve. We still had a tree to pick up and decorate in Ogdensburg. I had some last minute things to fetch and Brad was out buying that mattress. Though the plan had been to get a real tree, those were all sold out so we bought a lit artificial tree (though that took two trips because the first one didn't work).

The girls had made popcorn garland and after we decorated our tree, it looked beautiful. Rhys' response on Christmas morning was "wow"! We baked a couple things and Brad and Carleigh picked up groceries for our traditional Christmas Eve feast. It was a nice, quiet evening and once we were all together, under the same roof and in the same country, it really was all that I had imagined it would be. I had said to a couple people that Christmas was taking a back burner to other things: Meg`s coming home, all of us together for the first time in over 3 months and of course the imminent arrival of #8.....I got thinking about that afterwards and realized that THAT is Christmas.

Brad and I slept in the living room, the girls had Cam's bedroom and all 5 boys slept in the second bedroom! They did great. I think Brad and I were the first ones awake with Meg following closely behind....she had only been home a few days and had 6 hours to adjust to! We enjoyed our morning. Meg helped me with Christmas dinner in our very small kitchen and despite the over crowding, everything went really well. We were up and out of the house by 7:30 on Boxing Day and enjoyed a big b'fast at the Cracker Barrel in Watertown (about 45 minutes from Ogdensburg) before heading south. Our destination was Virginia Beach and we got through Washington and stayed just inside Virginia on our first night, which made for a short day the next day. The weather was nicer than what had been forecasted and we even had a day or two of 70 degree temps, though it was overcast on the one day.

We did have a little scare on the day we went to the Aquarium....there were wheelchairs available so Ben got one for me and the big boys took turns pushing me around (having Cam push me was like being on some sort of midway ride). When it came time to go, Ben suggested that he and Meg take the wheelchair back and bring the cars over to the building we were at. Ben, Meg and Cam left, I headed for the ladies room and when I returned I noticed that Declan wasn't with the rest of them. I asked where he was; Noah and Carleigh thought he was with me. The hunt began. I had told a few people that waiting 6 days for an ultrasound confirming that this baby was alright were the longest 6 days of my life; well, this was the longest 15 minutes of my life. The mind is a funny thing and it was amazing how quickly the thoughts came. Brad and Noah took off to search the boardwalk that we`d walked over on and Carleigh checked all of the entrances. I sat there with Rhys on my knee, hiding my face in his neck feeling once again utterly helpless. I offered up some pretty desperate pleas while trying to remind myself of what my husband had said; that he could have followed his older siblings out. It was scary.

He had, in fact, followed Ben, Meg and Cam. Carleigh came running in the front entrance telling me that Dec was with them and it was only then that she started to cry. Cam came sauntering in with a grin and then I broke again.....amazing what happens when relief meets up with that pent up emotion. Meg had asked Declan if mom and dad knew where he was he of course he had responded with a resounding yes. I tried to explain to him that we thought he was lost, but he simply replied "but I'm not lost now". He didn't have a foggy clue about the scare he'd given us, which is probably a good thing. I'm sure it won't be the last scare that boy gives us.

We did make it back home with both vehicles in tact and all 7 children. There was no sign of early labour while we were away and I didn't spend the whole time wondering if we were going to drop a child in the good 'ole US of A. There were moments that were great and moments that weren't though some of those could be attributed to a rather emotional, exhausting time for all of us; particularly the pregnant one.

We left Brad and Cam in O'burg and before Meg headed out the next day she took a trip down the hall to that second freezer only to discover that it wasn't working. It was New Year's Eve. Getting somebody to answer a phone in Kemptville didn't happen and I didn't know what to do. A neighbour stopped in with Season's Greetings and offered to take a look. Andy and Cheryl live in the trailer park beside us. They don't have a lot, but we have been on the receiving end of their very generous hearts on more than one occasion. Andy, Dan and Ben buried food in the snow out back between layers of snow until we could get a replacement freezer here or ours fixed. What else could you do on a holiday? My dad had arrived on New Year's Eve and found several used oneson the internet. Christmas isn't the best time to have to replace beds and freezers. Noah's girlfriend's dad delivered it out here to us and we got the food back in just in time for the real thaw to begin. They say that when it rains it pours. Fortunately it wasn't until we got the freezer problem fixed that the roof began leaking in several spots. At one point we were mopping up one corner of the kitchen every 10 minutes or so. My dad picked up a little pump and we spent four hours pumping water off the roof yesterday and it was going again this morning. I prefer the warm weather, but right now I am hoping for a deep freeze. It is a busy time for Brad who is back in the swing of things with trials almost everyday this week. The kids are back to school and Carleigh's dance and voice lessons have restarted. There will be a new addition here soon and I am behind on office work. I would like to spend some time "nesting" but there are office chores that need to be tended to and after the holidays, I'm having a hard time motivating myself.

The little boys seem to be at odds with one another today and are perpetually hungry. Declan needs to be reminded to sit on the potty....the older ones aren't without their own struggles and as a parent I feel those, too. It's life; it isn't always fun or easy or wonderful and it would be silly for me to think it should be. I don`t know what 2008 will bring, and though I`m sure it won`t be without its share of situations, I also know it will be full of life`s little victories. In the midst of daily life and living, I sometimes need to be reminded of how richly blessed I am and what is truly important to me. Focussing on the roof, the unpainted rooms, the unfinished bathroom, the almost 4 year old who can`t get through the day without an accident, the older ones who seem to need to be constantly reminded to do their chores - these are things that can, and do, get to me. I am fully human. There are those times though in the midst of the mess when I'm the one that is in need and there are many arms around here that are willing to offer a hug......many shoulders to lean on when I allow myself to lean.

Think I`ll take advantage of that more in 2008.

Happy New Year.

The Difference a Year Makes.....

2007-11-27T07:36:00.000-05:00

I was thinking this morning about time; one hour is 60 minutes all the time, yet some hours seem to fly by while others take their time. When I was younger I often heard my elders speak of how quickly time passed; I didn't get it.....now I understand.

We had some pictures taken last year around this time; my thought at the time was that I'd use them as Christmas presents for my family....send some out in the mail. I never did it. On Sunday I picked up some photo cards thinking I'd use the pictures from last year and this year do what I had planned on doing last year. Then I looked at the picture.

Meagan, 19 at the time is holding Rhys, who is just over a year. This was the first full year Meg did not live at home; she went to school in Peterborough and worked at Elmhirst`s Resort over the summer. In September we put her on a plane bound for the Czech Republic where she is doing her 3rd year of University. When she returns in May she`ll be 21, back to work, looking forward to her final year of undergrad. Meg is ours.....always missed, always welcome, but a visitor here.

For most of her 12 years Carleigh was Meg's little sister; the two girls share a close relationship despite the age difference. Carleigh just celebrated her 13th birthday and is now a teenager. She is moving into the position her sister held for a long time and now Carleigh has stepped into those shoes for her younger siblings. She is in her 3rd year of dance, her 2nd of hip hop and has also taken on voice lessons. She is no longer the new kid in her french immersion class; in fact her average in almost every class is above the class. Quite an accomplishment. She is enjoying her final year of elementary school before she`ll take on grade 9 next September.

When this picture was taken, Benjamin (holding Declan) was 17 and in his last year of high school, the "big fish in a small pond" enjoying all of the benefits that come with that. He graduated an Ontario Scholar with top marks in Biology and English. He was single though looking; ALWAYS looking! This year has brought changes for Ben who is working hard in his first year of a pre-med program at Ottawa U; the "small fish in a big pond". For years Ben was involved in Air Cadets and wore his hair short. Now his hair is longer and curly; on his 18th birthday he got his first tattoo and shortly thereafter had his ears pierced. He is no longer single but involved in a relationship with a girl he met through cadets and has known for several years. Ben sleeps at home and commutes daily to the southern limit of the bus system. He is transitioning out which I have to remind myself of every once in a while......

The difference a year makes.

Noah aka the "Smiling One" finally (after 10 months) got his learner's permit. He still is his easy-going self, comfortable in his own skin. This year he is the one enjoying his senior year at the local public high school. Noah cut his hair this year and for a short period of time sported a bald head. He is working part time at the Subway in town and has the same girl friend. Life for Noah is largely the same; kind of like the "calm before the storm" because next year he too will head off to University because the program he wants is not offered locally.

Cam has had many changes. This picture was taken just shortly after his football season was completed; anybody who has read my posts before knows that he had to lose some fairly significant weight and in this picture he is about 6'3" and probably weighs in between 185 and 190. A year later Cam is 6' 5" and weighs 280 - out came the weights last winter and gone were the weight limits! At 15 Cam is living pretty independently in Ogdensburg, NY where he played his first season of US Varsity football. He is enjoying life as a football player; he is greeted in the halls by kids he doesnt know but who know him simply because of what he does. Football is a HUGE deal in the States and the plan is to get one of those lovely american scholarships. He had a 90% average on his first report card and that combined with his size and ability gives him a great opportunity. At $50,000 - 60,000/year I don't know how anybody affords to get an education otherwise.

Then there are our little men.....Declan and Rhys, who are now 3.5 and 2 respectively. Dec and Rhys are buddies - they spend their days together and play well. Rhys is now a "terrible two", testing the boundaries all the time. Declan is a pretty typical older brother, more sedate and serious than his younger counterpart. Neither of them are trained, much to their mother's dismay and this year we learned that Rhys would come to enjoy being a "big brother"; though this one came as more of a surprise than the others, baby #8 is due February 4. Every good book must have an end and THIS will be it! I had come to that decision just weeks before learning that we were expecting again and though a surprise, this one is definately wanted. Children are indeed a gift and a blessing.

Ah, the difference a year makes.

This Christmas will be different for us. It is the first year in 8 that Brad and the boys will not be involved in the Men`s Choir at church on Christmas Eve. With the exception of the year when we moved from Yellowknife to Ottawa and spent Christmas at my mom and dad`s, this is the first time we will not spend Christmas in our home....well, that`s not quite true. We will spend it in a home that we own, but it will be in Ogdensburg, NY; our first Christmas morning spent in the US. I`d have never thought I`d ever see the day! These are pretty minor changes compared to those others will face but all too often it isn`t the big things that are difficult, but the little things that add up to cause a problem. At this point in our lives, I`m happy to think that we`ll all be together.....we have no guaranty of anything else.

These are just some of the changes our kids have experienced but of course each of their changes effects us as their parents and us as a family. If I chose to spend my time longing for what was, what enjoyment would I get from today or tomorrow? It is in the learning to adapt, to accept challenges and move forward that we can appreciate the past for what it has given us.....great memories, some difficult circumstances and hard lessons perhaps. I want to continue learn to live like that; to appreciate my past (the good, the bad AND the ugly!) and move forward to what lies ahead; to press on and remember to enjoy each day and the making of new memories and experiencing new challenges. THAT is life and THAT is living it.

Terrible 2's and Finding Forgiveness

2007-11-06T14:17:00.000-05:00

I just caught my youngest hanging from the edge of the crib. Rhys turned two on October 17 and his ventures into ensuring that boundaries still do exist know no bounds. His father has said that he is more of a handful than the other 4 boys put together. When I gave him a swat on his diapered backside, he actually looked…..offended. Hurt and offended. What a boy! I tell him it's a good thing he's cute.....

Heavy sigh.

I have had several times over the past month when I thought that I needed to sit down at the computer to write something; however, I know how this works and what starts out as something simple becomes much larger as I write. A week ago this past Saturday was one such time.

Brad and I had loaded up our two youngest late Friday afternoon to head over to Ogdensburg where we would spend the night and then watch Campbell’s playoff game the following day in Peru, New York. Peru is about a 2.5 hour drive from Ogdensburg. We had been awakened in the night by Rhys and though he didn’t take too long to settle, my sleep had been interrupted enough and I was awake for a while. The weather the following morning was rainy as promised and though the temperature didn’t dip below 13 degree Celcius, it’s tough to feel warm when you’re wet. By half time the boys were soaked from the middle down with the exception of their rubber-booted feet and I was wet through my waterproof jacket. Back at the truck I stripped them down and changed them both. We stayed put until the game was over around 4:30 and then we headed back to Ogdensburg. Stopping for dinner was not an option; the team bus that Cam was travelling on would not stop and we didn’t want to leave him stranded at the school in the rain. The boys were good travellers and though they napped and I had brought snacks for the drive, they were both tired and hungry when we arrived back in Ogdensburg. I figured I’d feed them while Brad waited Cam out and then get them back to their own beds for the night.

It was a good plan I thought. I gave them their choice of two meals (which was perhaps a mistake but not my biggest one of the evening) and then got it ready. When they came to the table they both turned up their noses before even tasting anything, which didn’t leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. After a threat or two made with a raised voice, I tried shoving the food into Rhys’ mouth……which didn’t go over well. I was still damp from the game, hadn’t eaten yet myself and could feel my own temperature rising. Have you ever been in that position? You know the trains a comin (much like a deer caught in the headlights) yet despite the warning lights going off, you really don’t care enough to make the necessary adjustments and get out of the flippin’ way! Well that was me on this night. I could see what was happening but instead of heading the warning signals I gave into the emotion of the moment. I hauled them both out of their seats, gave them each a good spank and sent them into separate bedrooms….I couldn’t even tell you what I said, but it was loud and I’m sure their fear of me at that moment was much more the reason for their sobs then any spanking I’d delivered.

I turned around and quite literally felt my way to the chair; I sat myself down and gave way to the floodgate of tears.

It wasn’t the first time I’d lost control; there have been other times. One was during a parent-teacher interview in Yellowknife; a very embarrassing moment for me but more particularly for my dear husband. We had an issue with this teacher – our boy`s marks had surprised us especially considering this was a very small Christian school and I would have expected to hear prior to report card time that work hadn`t been completed. I’d told my man before we left home that I didn’t want him to lose it with her…..only it wasn’t him I needed to worry about. Further information was provided during the course of the interview – our angel had indeed completed his work however the teacher had lost it. Well, I lost it and left the room after railing at her (again, no memory of what it was I said) in tears. Another time we were in a meeting; things were said that hurt me and I launched up from where I sat, walked across the room to where my friend was and gave him a smack. Again, a very embarrassing moment; one for which I had to apologize and one I felt terrible about for a long time…..and people think I`m so calm, so cool.

But here I was with just my two boys and no witnesses….and I knew I`d crossed that line and lost control. I looked up to see that Rhys had come out of the bedroom where he’d been sent, he was watching me rather tentatively to make sure it was okay for him to be there and when I gestured to him to come, he came. He climbed up on my knee and he gave me a full on body hug, which just made me cry all the harder. I croaked for Declan to come and there we sat, just the three of us. I apologized to my boys and Rhys took my face in his little hands and gave me “tisses” on the mouth and as quickly as that train had come, it was gone. I was forgiven and as far as my boys were concerned, all was forgotten. I made them a grill cheese which they ate with relish and we watched a veggie tales movie.

It was after that I got to thinking about how quickly a child forgives and how with age we learn to hold on to the things that hurt us even when they`re things that we`ve done to hurt ourselves. Jesus told us that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children and unless we become like them, we won’t enter. I have learned much not just from being a mother, but from my kids; forgiveness is one area in which I need to continue to take lessons from, to learn from my `terrible-two-year-old`.

Baby News

2007-10-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

Declan, Rhys and I went to Ottawa for yet another ultrasound yesterday.....I think this makes 4. I had a tubal reversal 4 years ago and since then they like to ensure that baby is where baby should be. I had a 2nd one because the dr. couldn't hear the heart beat....I think that was around 12 or 13 weeks, and wanted to check to make sure baby was still "viable". I had to wait 6 days for that one.....longest 6 days of my life. Amazing, too, the battle that went on in my head. #3 was at 19 weeks - the "normal" one, checking on size, taking measurements. They couldn't get a picture of the spine (nor could they see what the baby's sex was) so that resulted in ultrasound #4. It was a short wait at the clinic, thankfully, and the boys were very good; so good, in fact, that mom treated them to ice cream afterwards. I thought that the “baby on the tv” would hold their attention, but Declan was more concerned with the grapes he was eating and Rhys with the tech running “whas that” over mom’s belly. He wanted to get up on the "bed" with me, but had to settle for standing on the stool at my side. He kept hitting my belly saying “baby”. Too cute.

Got some great spine shots! Baby was on its back on my last visit and this time it appeared to be on its belly.....until it changed position and settled on its back again. At the end of the scan the tech told me that she couldn’t say “definitively”, but she thinks this one is a girl. We’ll have a boys name picked, just to be safe.

A little girl would be nice :0) Noah, third born and son #2 tells me I didn’t need a scan ‘cause he already knows it is a girl (he also said if it was another boy, he’d be leaving home but I think he’s kidding!). It’s been a long time since there was a baby girl in the Allison house; Carleigh will be 13 on November 11. She has wanted a baby sister for a few years, but has 2 little brothers instead. Then she told me she wasn't sure she wanted a sister. She didn't want anything to interfere with her relationship with Meagan. I explained to her that having a baby girl certainly would not interfere with that.....love doesn't take from, it adds to and besides, Meagan is coming up on 21 and will never live with this baby. Her relationship with this one will be completely different than what they share. It pleases me to know, thrills my heart, actually, that Carleigh so appreciates her relationship with her big sister enough to want to guard against anything that would hinder it. What more could a mother hope for? Meg has been "gone" for a few years; away throughout the school year, working away this past summer and now in Europe but all of the kids look to her for advice. So cool.

I remember before I was expecting my second child wondering how I could ever love another human being as much as I loved Meg.....then that time came and it wasn't even an issue. The love is there and has expanded to include this other little person. I've been abundantly blessed and have experienced that many times.....it truly is one of life's miracles.

Change really IS good

2007-09-28T10:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a great week. We're all busier but settling in to the new routine and all in all, I'd say it is going quite well. Our time is precious and this house runs a lot more smoothly when we're all working together.

I've found myself thinking a lot about change and transition. There are times when change is thrust upon us and seems to go against everything we want; other times we make decisions or choices that we know will result in change but either way, adjustments are definately required and attitude plays a big part in how we travel the new leg of our journey.

I found myself thinking about other times of change in my life and there have been many! The most obvious of them for me has been the addition of each baby; definately a happy, expectant time, however not without its difficulties, either! Any woman who has had a baby knows that there is a period of adjustment after having a baby and new moms can often be surprised by just how much adjustment there is! In fact I recall how busy I seemed with one.....and then came another, and another, and anotehr.....It doesn't matter how many babies you have had, there is always a period of adjustment; for myself, this hasn't always been easy.

Declan Hewitt will celebrate his 4th birthday in March, about a month and a half after baby #8 is due! Declan was born on a Tuesday, and during my two day stay in the hospital my husband received an offer from a friend that just couldn't be refused. We had a few days to give Peter an answer, but it was "Yes". I came home on Thursday and Brad had his baby by the weekend. On Monday, just 6 days after having Declan, we were in private practice with a full client load. My pre-delivery dreams of spending idle days resting peacefully with our newest child at my side never came to fruition and I had many, many times when my thoughts were "I can't do this!" A baby brought with it change; for me it was like starting over, like I'd never had a baby. Running an office I could do however the combination of the two of them often seemed too much to bear and for a time I resented the fact that these two answers to prayer had happened at the same time!

A little background - this very busy season with a new and thriving law practice had followed a dry time financially for us; one we wouldn't have survived without the assistance of close friends and the faithfulness of God. Brad had gone to work for a company who ceased paying him and broke their contract just months after he'd started so we were behind on our mortgages, phone bills, utility bills......you name it. We very much lived day to day; there was little in our cupboards in the way of groceries, yet we never missed a meal. We got through the winter by filling 2-10 gallon gas cans with diesel fuel almost daily because we couldn't afford the fuel delivery trucks. As difficult a season as it was, we learned some great lessons during that time and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now we found ourselves thrust into somebody else's schedule. Brad had clients that he had to meet with and court appearances to prepare for; it was definately a time of sowing for us.

As Declan got a little older and a little less dependent, so did the law practice and by the time "they" were a year old I looked back and was reminded of all the times I'd said "I can't" when in fact I had. There had been talk of getting help off and on, but help in a rural bedroom community of Ottawa is hard to find and never arrived. Then we learned we were expecting another baby....

Rhys Daniel arrived October 17, 19 months after his brother and again there were adjustments. It was a more difficult time for me post-pregnancy, as I've shared in an earlier post. There were MANY days spent thinking "I can't do this" but again, time proved me wrong. I have many experiences as I look back over life, my married life especially, that have proven God's grace and his faithfulness time and time again.

As I was pondering these things this week and two of my favourite verses came to mind....again.

Phil. 4:13 says "I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me". The Message puts it this way: Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

1 Cor. 10:13 say: No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

I have at different times hung on to these verses but I got to wondering.....what would my days be like IF instead of once in a while, typically in a time of crisis, but everyday I choose to rely on the truth of God's word rather than how I felt? What if I wake up saying "I Can" instead of "I Can't"? It sounds so simple as I write this but these things usually do. God's word is full of truths, full of promises that are for us and though we know them, it isn't until we put them into practice, until we apply them to our daily lives that they really take on life for and in us.

So, I've been working at removing "I Can't" not only from my vocabulary, but from my thinking and applying I CAN do ALL things, I CAN make it through ANYTHING, all because of the One who knows me, loves me and made me who I am.

Expectations

2007-09-19T10:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I was really tired by Friday night.....weary I believe was the word. I felt somewhat sorry for those who came into contact with me Friday.....I was a bit, um, short. Monday, however was a difficult day emotionally. Yes, there are the ever-present hormones to contend with, but this was more than that. It was a day of realizations. Realizing that this next phase isn't going to be easy; realizing that adapting to the changes around here will take some time and realizing that I need to again adjust my expectations....of others, yes, but particularly those expectations I place on myself.

This is a new season of transition and though I was thinking about it before all the changes actually occurred, I need to continue to re-think and re-sort priorities and my time; as you know some of our responsibilities aren’t forgiving! Though working from home has its benefits, it also requires a lot of discipline, organization and self-control and guess what?? These are areas I struggle with; hmmmmmm. Thank you Lord that you are working all things together for my good; help me to be not only be willing to allow it but help me to work WITH you!

Must go; I'm pretty sure there is a bum that needs changing.....

The Challenge

2007-09-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

It has been an interesting week; by last evening I was feeling pretty......weary; body, mind and emotions!

Noah and Ben helped load a fridge, table and chairs, microwave and some odds and ends and I took them over to the house in Ogdensburg. Brad went over yesterday afternoon to watch Cam's game - Cam wan't able to play much because he had only been to two practices since school started. They suffered a disappointing loss when they shouldn't have (but between you and I, I prefer them losing when Cam isn't playing!). Today Brad is helping Cam get caught up with his homework; that will go a long way to decreasing his feelings of being overwhelmed. I imagine we'll go back over tomorrow afternoon with more stuff and I'll likely stay the night. This has been quite an adjustment for Cam; for all of us. It is relatively easy for him to have a desire, a passion to play football but the walking out of his dream will require hard work, perseverance and sacrifice on the part of all of us. The kids that are left get stuck with Cam's share of the chores!

I mentioned in my last post that I'd been challenged myself this summer. It wasn't pleasant, when I heard that my actions weren't lining up with my words. I had agreed with my mouth to do what I could to support Cam in making this move, however the closer it came to a reality the more I balked. Not with my words, but with my actions.

Have you ever had someone you love and respect hold up a mirror and confront you with something and it isn't what you want to hear or see? When it happened I of course denied it, I pointed out all I had done, I made all sorts of excuses, I cried (nothing worse than a crying, hormonal pregnant woman).....but it didn't change what I knew to be true in my head. When I was alone, when I got myself to think beyond the hurt I felt and the emotions that arose, I knew in myself that truth was being spoken.

The second time it was mentioned wasn't any easier to hear than the first. Even though I had known it was true, I refused to admit it out loud. Change does not come easily for many of us most of the time and I knew that if I went to others and explained "my side of the story" I would find sympathy and another opinion. I'd done that before. I also knew that the man that I love, trust and respect, the one who knows and loves me best other than God, was being honest. Brad knows me. He knows how I think, he knows my heart, he knows my desires, he knows I want to grow and change and he knew my reaction before he ever opened his mouth. He knew that it would be hard for me to hear, but he loved me enough to say it anyway and he challanged me to think; to be honest.

It took me about a day and a half of feeling sorry for myself and being completely miserable to everyone to do that; to think and to pray. I realized that I was afraid and that though I'd been saying all the right things, when I was honest with myself my greatest concern was what this was going to cost me and deep inside I really didn't want to make the necessary sacrifices. It was only when I realized that , when I could admit it out loud that I had the desire to change it.

Cam is his mother's son in many ways! We struggle with many of the same things and often when there is tension between us it is because I see myself in him and it frustrates me! His journey has not been easy and he has a tendancy is to think negatively about himself. However, we have watched some of that change for Cam since he got involved in football, and we've allowed him to swagger a bit as he's developed a new sense of who he is. Growing up he wishes desperately to be a "normal" size; now that he is benefiting from the size that God blessed him with he loves being "above normal".

A few days after my "epiphany" Brad and I were going to Cam's football game - the first he was able to play for OFA. I took that opportunity to share with him what I had been thinking and what I'd come to realize, and to thank him. I now see that as difficult as it is to be the receiver of a challenge, it is also difficult to be the deliverer and in the 21 years we've been married Brad has never abused that priviledge. I am thankful for the relationship we share that allows him to speak into my life; to challenge my thinking and, along with the Lord, to help me overcome and change. Then I in turn can be more of a help to Cam.

Change

2007-09-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

I knew it had been a while, but June 4? That was the date of my last entry.....summer has come and gone and I don't think I even thought once until recently about sitting down to write something. It certainly wasn't for lack of material; the summer was a busy one, full of surprises, unexpected circumstances and challenges. Sounds like life.

Since my last post I learned that we were expecting our eighth child. This was a surprise; I'd just settled in my own mind that we were done. That was easier for Brad; for me there was a fair bit of emotion to work through.....the thought of being "finished" was one that took a while for me to settle. I'd just given away all the baby boy clothes a week or so before (baby girl clothes are LONG gone) and realized I should have had a visit from Aunt Flo. If there is no visit from Aunt Flo, there is only one reason so I bought myself a home pregnancy test and it was positive. My husbands response was.....interesting; he laughed and said "you're kidding".

Nope.

I've shared before of the difficult time I had after my last pregnancies, particularly the last one, so there were thoughts to battle with in terms of that. A good friend reminded me to enjoy the pregnancy and not to worry about the after.....it will take care of itself. Put me in mind of a bible verse. Matthew 6:34 (Msg) says: Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. If it was as easy to live by as it was to say, I'd be all set.

We've lost two kids this week....well, lost may not be the right word. Let me explain.

On Saturday evening family and friends celerated, honoured and blessed Meg; she is doing her 3rd year of undergrad (majoring in Economics) at Tomas Bata University in the Czech Republic. Travelling has always been a passion of Meg's and incorporating it into her studies was her goal. On Monday we took our first born to the airport in Montreal so she could wing her way across the big ditch to study (and travel) til June. There were no big teary goodbyes; I think it will take some time for it all to sink in and she will be home for a short Christmas break. I had wanted to go over there to visit her this year but the baby will hamper that......the doctor doesn't seem anxious to see me winging my way half way around the world. I got word this morning that she arrived in Zlin (pronounced "Zleen")safe and somewhat exhausted. She's feeling a bit overwhelmed which is understandable; I felt that way this morning!

Fourth born, #3 son Campbell has long had a passion to play football. At 8 years of age his dad took him out for football tryouts where he was told that he was "too big" to play football and to bring him back next year. Well, he didn't get any smaller but each year for 3 years Brad took Cam out for football and each year they turned him away. "Bring him back next year". He was, and is, a big boy. 10 lbs 12 oz at birth we heard that he'd slow down at some point; at 15 he's 6' 4.5" and 260 lbs and he hasn't slowed down; in fact, in the past year he's grown close to 3 inches and since last August has put on 80 lbs (he had to get down to 178 last August to get in under the weight limit). When he was 12 he announced to us that he was going to lose weight so he could play football. Brad took him out for football camp and after one look at him they told him if he could make the weight (had to lose close to 40 lbs that year) they'd take him. He made the weight. The next year he had to lose close to 30 lbs and had grown a couple inches but he did it again. It didn't come easily; Cam needed a lot of support and encouragement. There were many times when we as parents questioned his desire; if this is what YOU want, then we're here to help in any way that we can, but it has to be what you want. Its tough sometimes as a parent to know where your hopes and desires for your kids ends and theirs begins. "We", but particularly Brad, has always taught the kids to think, to not put limits on themselves OR God, to dream "in technicolour", to "reach for the stars". We hear that stuff all the time, but what does that mean? What do you do when you have a son who passionately wants to play in the NFL? Do you sit him down and tell him to settle for something less? Do you prepare him for the possibility that he may not make it? Do you discuss with him the severity of the injuries he could sustain IF he makes it "all the way"? Do you remind him that getting into the NFL is the easy part, staying there is where the real work kicks in? OR do you walk alongside him providing encouragment, pushing him when he needs it, supporting him when he's discouraged and yes, sometimes nagging him because he's not only told you what his desire is, but he's shown you - not all the time, he is a kid and self-motivation is hard for adults too. I found myself challenged by Cam many times over the past few years - he is his mother's son in many ways, but this summer was where the rubber hit the road for me; where my words needed to match up with my actions, and they didn't - they fell far short. More about that another time.....this is already too long.

I'm a US Citizen by birth and will establish legal residency in the US so that Cam can pursue his dream. Part of the joy of being in a "team" whether it is family or not is walking alongside one another during the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday afternoon Cam entered the US and is now staying at the little house we bought this summer in Ogdensburg, going to school at Ogdensburg Free Academy, attending football practices and playing football. Cam is 15 years old and has been on his own journey, pursuing his own dream.....his success doesn't lay in what he achieves at the end, but in each step that he takes along the way. I am very proud of Cam; his is a true story of the strength of the human spirit.

The Get-away - Part 3

2007-06-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

I've been home for 10 days and during that time I've been wondering what, if anything, I should share about my time away, other than it was great; everything went off without a hitch, including adjusting to the time difference! It was a time of relaxation, renewing and reconnecting.

I spent a day with Larry and Barb Warkentin. Larry was our pastor while we were in Yellowknife and Barb is the woman who was diagnosed a few years ago with MS and is currently scheduled for her second open heart surgery on August 8th. Her hope and prayer is that with her heart repaired, she'll be able to put away her walker and wheelchair for a while and lead a somewhat more normal life. I didn't know what to expect when I arrived there, but Barb looks great. Her sense of humour has not left her and I enjoyed my time with them both.

I also had an opportunity to spend Sunday and Monday of the May holiday weekend at a farm just north of Lloydminster, Alberta. The Belshiems own approx. 5,000 acres of land there with 900 head of cattle. Gillian Belsheim was an RCMP officer stationed in Yellowknife when we were there. We got to know her, John and Ariel through the little Christian school that our kids attended, and Brad and I both worked with her in our perspective jobs. Before we left YK, Gil did a stint in the Communications Centre with me (I worked for the RCMP for 2 years answering the emergency lines). We spent a lot of time catching up, sharing the good times and the bad. Gil took me for a tour of the land, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The farm is operated by Gil's three brothers and is the local drop in for the neighbouring farms. The coffee pot is always on; their life is family and the land and they do a great job of both. They've known some hard times, with several years of drought and then the mad cow fiasco, but they have persevered and despite the hard years, they look ahead to better ones. The busyness of the "big house" with people coming and going at all hours reminded me of home, minus the cows of course. After my time with Gil, I was reminded that there is great benefit in sharing. Whether we're sharing good times or bad, we're drawn together, unified; helps us to realize that we aren't alone (or crazy)and I believe that is part of God’s plan.

The day after we returned from the farm, I journeyed to Banff. It was about a 4.5 hour drive from Edmonton, and I love to drive so I took my time and enjoyed the scenery. Alberta is in the midst of a huge real estate boom, so there are subdivisions going up everywhere. Alberta is also experiencing a higher level of homelessness as a result, and for a province so rich in many things it is more than sad to see folks living in tents and picking through garbage bins.

There was a particular moment during the drive to Banff that really left me feeling overwhelmed and I don't know if I can do it justice here, but I've decided to give it a try. I'd left Calgary and was heading west toward Banff; it wasn't too long before the mountains came into view off in the distance and I was struck by their beauty. I could see places where it was dark and raining, and others where the sun shone brightly on the snow-capped peaks. I'm sure they each have their own story to tell. The closer I got, the more my emotions were affected and eventually I was crying. All I could think of was "Majesty" and so I took a few moments to tell God how beautiful his mountains were; how majestic was his creation. It was just a moment later when I thought "Debbie, it's just rock" and fresh tears fell. This may sound really simple to whoever is reading this, but it meant a great deal to me. We see such beauty in the mountains, but it's just rock; what does God see when he looks at me, his most loved creation?

He is overwhelmed and finds me breathtaking.

The Get-away - Part 2

2007-04-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

After Christmas I sent out a Winter Greetings newsletter; I sent it out to all sorts of people and the wife of our pastor while we were in Yellowknife emailed back with a report of her own. She was diagnosed with MS a few years back; 3 years ago she walked 5km a day and within 4 months was in a wheelchair and that is where she has spent the last 2½ years of her life. In September 2006 she underwent open heart surgery for a valve repair. It was unsuccessful and her health status is not much improve and as a result of the surgery, her cholesterol is up which limits her diet.

I tried to draft a response back to her; but found myself unable to say anything. I wanted to say “just the right thing”; I wanted to encourage her......but that email just sat in draft.

At Easter, I sent an ecard and a picture of our family and again, she emailed back. The valve leakage was severe now and another heart surgery was required, however just prior to Easter she had to undergo an emergency hysterectomy, and the removal of her fallopian tube. The heart surgery would be delayed until June or August.

I felt much the same as I had when I'd read her first email. I wanted to encourage her but I didn't know what to say.....anything that came to mind sounded trite and shallow. As I thought about her, I realized that though I've not struggled with health issues (thank you Lord), I have struggled. I have felt hopeless and helpless and I could so relate to something she'd said: "Things aren’t always as we anticipate or expect and I have come to learn that life can change rather quickly."

Rabbit trial. One of my greatest desires growing up was to marry and have a family. When I met and got to know Brad, I discovered that we shared this desire for family......a large family. Before we got married we discussed the options and whether we should wait before we started having babies. Ultimately we decided not to. Little did we know that when we returned home from beautiful BC I was carrying a 'lil something extra!

Four weeks later, my new husband, father and sister were involved in a head-on car accident on highway 17 just east of Sault Ste. Marie. It was a miracle that they survived, along with the young man who was driving the other vehicle. It was during the days following the emergency surgeries that I learned we were expecting. I remember dad being in ICU, unable to speak and watching his eyes as I told him he was going to be a grampa. That was lesson number 1 in learning that we are not in control of what happens and things aren’t always as we anticipate or expect and can change rather quickly.

Back to that email. I looked to a couple people for their insight and wisdom; I'm so thankful for the counsel of others in my life! One of those individuals shared with me that his response to situations like these is often face-to-face time with the individual. Given this sort of situation, a personal visit is often called for and would greatly appreciated. Knowing that I was planning a get away, he he asked me if I would spend time out west if Brad couldn’t go with me?

Me? Go out there....alone? I didn't say anything out loud, but I sure was coming up with lots of excuses as to why I couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't be able to do that. As the day wore on I couldn't NOT think about it, quite a bit, actually, and I became more and more enchanted I guess you could say, with the idea.

I can go;

I can be a friend;

I can listen;

I can cry;

I can share from my own experiences;

I can pray with her.....

and not only can I go, but I realized that I needed to go and I needed to go alone; as much for me as for her. She was what God used to get me to think beyond myself and the limitations I place on myself. Once I made that realization, I was so excited and I still am! Plans have continued to come together and the timing of it all couldn't be better. Almost like it was taken completely out of my hands and somebody else had planned it all!

Once this was settled, I was able to find the words to share with my friend. The only real omfort that I’ve found during those difficult times comes from knowing deep down that He loves me and that He is ultimately in control and no matter how I feel or what is going on, I can trust Him. As hard as the circumstances of this life might be and as much as I may not understand the whys of it all, it has been in and through those difficult times that I’ve learned more about God and who He is, and wants to be, for me.

Celebrating Meagan

2007-03-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

Jeremiah 29:11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

I got a call from Meg earlier this evening; she's a 2nd year University student majoring in economics and had went through an application process to do her 3rd year in Europe....today she found out she was accepted and will be heading to the Czech Republic in August! She's been talking about this since before she went to University.

She is SO excited, and we are for her. She'll be home tomorrow afternoon for Ben's birthday celebration.....now we can make it a double header!

Woo hoo!

1. Meg's discharge picture (dob Apr 9, 1987)

2. Meg's highschool grad picture

3. Meg was involved in Cadets for 5 years and spent 7 weeks in the Summer of 2005 in Gatineau, Quebec at Power Camp and obtained her private pilot's license. She has always wanted to fly and has her sights set on owning her own plane.

4. Meg and a very pregnant me. We had taken the labour day weekend before she started University and got away together; it was great.

Addictions

2007-03-07T17:11:00.000-05:00

So was anybody else slightly addicted to this when they first started, or is it just me??

Boys to Men

2007-03-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

No, not the singing group; our Ben is 18 today.

I can't remember not wanting a Ben. Any of the Ben's I knew growing up were great guys and there seemed to be something special about a man named Ben...."Gentle Bens". My pregnancy with Ben was great, as was the delivery. I remember sitting up in bed in the recovery area, making phone calls to let everybody know that we'd had a boy. He was beautiful, and as he grew he became more so to me. He had curly blonde hair, dark brown eyes and a smile that would light up a room. I remember my dad telling me before Ben's 2nd birthday that I needed to have his picture taken so I could capture his smile. "He's a charmer", dad would say.

And he was. Benjamin was, and is, a sensitive soul. It didn't always work for him, though. As a little boy he could come across overly-so; he was so particular about everything from his looks to his school work to his room. You could always tell what side of the room was Ben's. The kids love to hear stories about themselves, and we love to tell them....Brad shares the story of the time when he heard Ben long before he saw him coming with his arm help up at an awkward angle, finger pointing towards his wrist. Brad thought he must have fallen and sprained it or something (it would certainly explain the animal-like howl that he was hearing) but soon saw that Ben was pointing at a string hanging from the cuff of his immaculately buttoned (up-to-the-neck) shirt.

Ben still likes to look good; his academics achievements are many and his room......is probably the cleanest of anybody's around here. Ben has had some struggles and will have some more, but his sensitive side works better for him now and will continue to as he matures and will serve him well as he pursues his dreams. I didn't want today to pass without acknowleding his birthday.

Benjamin, I love you and am proud of you; Happy Birthday, my son.

Get-away

2007-03-05T10:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my husband blessed me by telling me it was my turn to get away.

Woot! Woot!

I don't get away on my own (sans Brad or any number of children) often .....in fact the only time I can think of being away on my own in recent years was a couple weeks ago when I had to return to St. Joe Island for a family funeral.....not exactly the sort of get away one looks forward to. When you work for yourself, there are no paid vacations. You pay for the vacation before you go and then you pay for it again when you return in time.

Big family + self-employment = fewer vacations. I'm not complaining, it's the choice we've made.

But I'm excited....I've invited a friend along and we don't know where we're going yet but the anticipation and planning is half the fun.

When Brad worked for the Federal Justice Department and we lived in Yellowknife we had 3 great family vacations well, I missed the 1st one 'cause I started working for the Mounties and whey wouldn't give me the time. Brad drove back to Ontario with 5 kids.....that's a great story, but I digress. We took the entire month of January (Yellowknife = very cold + very dark) and hit the road.....it was awesome (and I don't use that word often). There wasn't "a" destination, but several: the one I most enjoyed was a circuitous route that included stops in Calgary, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Disney Land....well, you get the idea. We had no end of trouble on that particular trip with the vehicle we drove. It was a big white suburban with polar bear license plates.....we looked like a moving snow bank. The rear heater stopped working as we were driving out of the territories (in - 30 degree weather); the radiator went when we were driving through the desert; a belt broke in one of the front tires as we were driving through the red woods of BC and we lost power driving through the rockies. Add to that a problem that no garage seemed able to fix (even a chev specialist in Vegas); the burb would keep going slower and slower until Brad would just pull over, shut off the vehicle and wait......10 minutes, 20 minutes......whatever; eventually it would start fine and off we'd go again. But ya' know, it didn't ruin the journey but added to the flavour of what was already a great journey and provided us with some great memories and stories to tell!

A good trip reminds me our spiritual journey....it isn't just about the destination (though it's gonna be fabulous) but about enjoying the ride, "the journey" and even those hard things add to the flavour of our lives and leave us better off than we were.

So cool......

Where to go, where to go... Toronto, Montreal, Quebec City, Boston (love Boston), New York City.....I've always wanted to go to New York City but Brad has no desire to go there......I don't know but I don't care. It's gonna be fun 'cause I'm bringing a friend along for the ride.

Oh yeah.....the big old white suburban ran like a top for the final 2 hours of our month long trek. In fact, Brad's ankle got sore from holding his foot off the gas!

Go figure.

I'm stealing an idea I got from Tracy's blog (thanks Trace).....what great get-aways have you enjoyed? Did you encounter any problems along the way and, if so, did the problems add to your enjoyment or take away from it?

Anybody got an idea as to where we should go??

Babies, hormones and discovering God in their midst

2007-03-04T15:01:00.003-05:00

Rhys Daniel, (beautiful, isn't he?) born on October 17, 2005 when I was 40 years old. He arrived 17 months after his much anticipated big brother, Declan Hewitt. Having babies at 39 and 41 has sure been a whole lot different than having 'em in my 20's.....

About 3 months after Rhys' birth, I found myself struggling and wasn't sure what was happening. For a time I thought perhaps I was losing my mind and the battle some days was overwhelming.....I cried buckets. I didn't want to acknowledge the thought that I was depressed and I didn't know enough about post partum to realize that it was largely hormonal. I believed that as a Christian it wasn't right for me to feel this way so I continued on my own to try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I did that for a while until I was so down, so desperate that I found myself searching the internet for information realting to post partum depression and finally acknowledged what my body was screaming at me. It was a step, a beginning. I did share my struggle with Brad who was supportive and a willing listener (like he had a choice! ) It was during that very difficult time that I was surprised by the birth of a new friendship.

A lady I had known for a few years offered to bring dinner out once a week (in lieu of yet another teeny-weeny outfit). Give me a night when I know dinner is covered and the world looks a whole lot brighter. I looked forward to those days the meal was great 'cause it filled a need in my house but the female companionship filled a need in me. It was during one of those visits I opened my mouth and blurted out "I think I need to see my doctor" and proceeded to haltingly explain how and what I was feeling. All of my fears were laid to rest when my graceless announcement was met with understanding and support. It was good. The amazing part was that exchange that takes place when you step outside your comfort zone; I was greatly encouraged and so was she.....and out of the muck and mire of life a new friendship was born. I can recall the excitement I felt as I ran downstairs to tell Brad through my tears of all that had happened and how much God cared. He'd shown up in the midst of my mess, on a dark day .....and he brought a friend.

Cleaning

2007-03-03T13:01:00.000-05:00

After much ado (about nothing) I've finally sat down to craft my first blog post. I have been debating the pros and cons of "blogging" for quite some time and to be honest the thought of this has been somewhat intimidating. So, if you happen to end up here, please be gentle!

4.5 years ago we bought an 11,000 square foot building that was originally built as a nursing home. (Hubby joked for quite some time about having me "in the home" before I was 40). I'm married to a dreamer, a "visionary" if you will; a man who sees potential where others can't, don't, won't....you get the idea. I won't go into the details of our plans and dreams; suffice it to say that our "diamond--in-the-rough" may well be a life-long venture. We don't live in all of it and you can well imagine how much room we have for storage! One full wing of the place has been dedicated to storing "stuff" - some junk, some not; some belonging to us and some belonging to others.....

This morning I was in the basement working on cleaning out some cupboards in one section so that the room from whence the tools came can be cleaned and renovated. What a mess. There was quite an accumulation of stuff....boots and skates of all sizes, hockey equipment, bike helmets, flower pots, a hamster cage, old paint cans.....in amongst the odds and sods of mitts and winter hats was evidence that some mice had resided there at one time. The job was much larger than I realized and was going to take a lot longer than the 30 minute time slot I had available. I made use of time I had available to unload some shelves, sweep the mouse poop and shavings from a couple shelves and decide what was staying and what was going. Before I knew it my time was gone and I remembered there was lunch to be made. As I turned to head back upstairs I was faced with the mess I'd made while cleaning. All of the stuff I'd taken out of the cupboard was tossed into several piles behind me. The place looked worse then when I'd started! My final thought as I climbed the stairs was that cleaning is a dirty job in which you're pretty much guaranteed of two things: it's gonna' look worse before it looks better and you're gonna' get your hands dirty....you know, mouse poop and all.

It's such a great analogy to my own journey with God. I want change, growth..... "transformation" (it sounds so wonderful, doesn't it??); I want to be the best me that God made me to be but change doesn't come easily and as I dig around in my mess, I find more junk; my stuff and things others have left behind as they've passed through. I was reminded today of what I told son #3 yesterday (and realized that I was speaking to myself too....); we have to acknowledge the problem before we can do anything about it. Well, I have a basement in dire need of some time and tlc. I also have a mind, heart and soul that are in need of the same. It's a messy process, but like our 11,000 square foot diamond-in-the-rough, I'm in it for the long haul and fortunately I don't have to do it alone.

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."